Honest...

It has been a year since my last post so here is a bit of an update on my life...

On November 11, 2012 my Heavenly Father blessed me and my husband with a beautiful, healthy baby girl. She is now 5 1/2 months and such a blessing to our family. She has the biggest smile and every time I see that smile I think to myself she is "the one we waited for". I can't imagine my life or my family with out her.

In late August my Oldest Daughter (who I was homeschooling) started 1st grade at a Christian School near our house. This school has been such a blessing and the Lord has been so faithful to provide for her tuition.

My Son is in his last year at an amazing preschool and am very excited that my middle daughter will be attending there next year. If you asked me a year ago if my life would look like this I would have said no, but everyday I see God's hand and blessing on my family and for now this is my life.

Now enough with the family update and on to the actual reason I am writing again. This past year has been filled with a lot of change for me. I went from staying home on a regular bases to getting up every morning taking my daughter to school and picking up her every afternoon, taking my son to preschool three afternoons a week, driving my daughter to her dance class one day a week, church two days a week and having a 4th child. At first when people asked me how I was I would say "Great, tired, but good." Then life continued on and I felt like I was always on the go and when I wasn't I just wanted to sleep or veg in front of the TV. My desire to grab my bible and spend time with God was not there, which in turned kept me away from writing. But those weren't the only things that started slipping in my life, the desire to do anything productive showed up only once every two weeks or so, my desire to cook and clean was totally gone. So thankful my family is ok with pancakes for dinner.  I was starting to feel worn out. I felt like I was on a merry-go-round and I couldn't get off. Every day I would measure as a successful day if everyone got where they needed to be on time, everyone was fed and in their own beds when it was bed time.

All of this is a feeling that I had never felt before. The feelings of being overwhelmed and unproductive with a HUGE list of things that need to be done hanging over my head that keeps growing each day.  I have never had baskets of clean clothes just hanging out in my living room waiting to be folded like I do now. Anything that has taken any real work to do I have tried avoiding, because I just don't seem to have the energy to deal with it.

So now after you have read me whine, complain and tell you all about my crazy life I am sure you are waiting for me to tell you how I fixed it all, how I figured it all out and now how my life is a piece of cake...
Well if you are you will be greatly disappointed. I have not found that special ingredient or magic equation that makes my life easier. On a side note, coffee is a wonderful thing, but not the answer! Then why am I writing this because God told me to. For the past month or so the Lord has told me to start writing again, even if I don't have all the answers. Because when I write it makes me be honest with myself. It makes me be honest with all you. It makes me be honest with Him. It makes me break down and ask for help. It makes me say I am not perfect and no matter how hard I try to be and how hard I try to say I am "good", the reality is that I am worn and tired.

The Lord has told me that I don't have to have it all together, my life can be messy and I can be really tired and it's OK...He just wants me to be HONEST with Him. He already knows, but there is something that happens when you actually break down and honestly tell Him how you are.

One of my favorite song right now is Worn By Tenth Avenue North. Here is one verse from that song...
I know I need to lift my eyes up, but I'm to weak.
Life just won't let up
I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Right now I cry out and say Lord I have nothing left. I am tried and worn. I need you to give me rest. I need you to be in the center of my life. I need strength that only comes from you. Most of all I NEED you! I need you to be everything I can't be right now.