Moving On...

I was at a place in my life where I was really, really broken. I don’t know that I have ever been there before, but I am sure that I do not want to be there again! I think the single hardest thing for me to do during this time was for me to TRUST God that He would not leave me, but that He would walk this through with me.

I was in church about 3 weeks after I had loss the baby and the Lord spoke so clearly to me, “Trust Me in this area and I will make you whole and bless you. I am with you, you don’t have to walk through this alone. Lean on me, let me carry you through this. I DID NOT DO THIS! THIS WAS NOT MY PLAN!!!”

During the 3 weeks prior to hearing this from the Lord, I had a really hard time blaming Him. I just couldn’t figure out why God would create this baby and then let it die. Do I think He killed my baby? NO! But I do know that He could have stopped it; but He didn’t. Trust me that will be a question that I will ask Him, but for now I don’t have an answer. I knew in my head that God wasn’t to blame, but my heart, well that was a different story. I am human and because of that I needed to put my blame somewhere. After that Sunday I realize that it is really hard to blame God and then trust Him to heal you all at the same time. It took a lot, but I had to let go of my blame and feeling like I needed an answer to why this happened, so that I could allow myself to trust God for my healing. Was it easy? NO! Everyday I would wake up and say “I am trusting You to heal me and make me whole again and You are going to carry me through this.” And let me tell you, He did! He walked every step of the way with me and is still walking with me on my days that are not so good. Where there was darkness, He has brought light; where I was weak, He made me strong. Am I completely ready to try and have another baby? No, but I know the Lord is working on me and I am closer to that point then I was a month ago. It takes time and I have learned to give myself time to heal, process and trust again.

Is there an area in your life that you have been hurt or let down? The Lord is asking you to trust Him, all you need to say is Yes! Say YES that you will trust Him to carry you through that area, to be there every step of the way. You may be saying “I trust God.” Trust me I said the same thin. And yes I did trust God, but then when I looked at this one area in my life, I realized that I blamed God, not trusted Him. God wants to heal you and make you whole again, but you have to start the process by saying “Yes, I trust you”. 

Walking through...

Having no control over what I was going through physically and emotionally was probably the hardest thing for me. I wanted to feel better and fast! I knew that if I could find something that I could control I would feel better. So the one thing I found that I could control was my hair, so I dyed it dark brown and cut it shorter then it has been since I was a kid. I needed to have control over something and my hair was the only thing that I felt like I could control. Did I feel better? Not really, but I looked cute!!! I also tried shopping therapy to get me through this tough time, but I came home feeling just as bad as when I left. My husband then asked if I was returning the things I just purchased, because it didn't help? I said no, I may feel bad, but the things I bought were cute :)! I think he was glad that it didn't help cause now that won't be my default when I am not feeling good. 


So by this point I had realized that I had tried worldly things to make me feel better and it wasn't working, so what was next? Well, Thursday night prayer at my church kept popping up in my head. Even though I didn't really want to, I knew that I NEEDED to go. Boy, was I glad that I went. The Lord met me right there and spoke some words that I need to hear so I could start to heal. I was assign to a couple of ladies and after handing them the card of what I wanted prayer for one the of the ladies just stepped up and said "No need to talk, I'm just going to hug you." She put her arms around me and just held me while I weeped. I felt safe, I felt like I could let my guard down and the I'm ok face and just be raw before God. I am not going to lie...I WAS angry at God! I just didn't understand why He created this baby, if He was going to allow it to die. The 3 ladies started to pray over me and I just felt the Spirit of the Lord fall on me. One of the ladies said "God is grieving too, He did not want this to happen. This was not His will!!!" Those words stung so deep into my soul. I had been told a couple of time and had heard it before when my best friend miscarried, that it may have been a blessing, that something may have been wrong with the baby. But after hearing those words I knew that it was NOT God's plan and He is grieving too; there may have been nothing wrong with my baby or my best friend's baby. We live in a fallen world and there is a devil and his job is to kill, steal and destroy. The devil did that to my baby, NOT the Lord, but the devil. So I don't believe there was a blessing in losing my baby, I believe that it was something that happened because we live in a world where there is sin. I DO believe that my baby is up in heaven and I wait for the day that I get to hold my baby. 


What about the question "WHY?" Yes, I will always have that question, but I know that my baby is safe and in a wonderful place. I know that I will get to meet my baby and spend eternity with my baby and that is what I hold on to. I can't live my life wondering why. I would drive myself crazy. I have a wonderful husband and 3 fantastic kids; I have to move on knowing that my life is not over. I am still here to live a full life with my husband, to teach my kids about Jesus and to share what God has done in my life with others. My life isn't over because my baby went to heaven before I did. 


Moving on is not always easy. Some may say if you move on you may forget, but I don't believe that. I will never forget my baby that was only 8 weeks when it went to be with Jesus. You can't live in the past, you have to move forward. Your life isn't over there are so many things God has left for all us to do. 

Let's go backwards a lil bit...

I will always remember July 22, 2010 it was one of those great/horrible days all wrapped up into one. July 22nd was the day I found out I was pregnant with my 4th child, but it was also the day I found out my best friend's unborn baby was without a heartbeat. I cried so hard for her and her family. The question "WHY?" kept replaying in my mind. Then I thought about my unborn child and wondered "Why was I pregnant and she wasn't?", "Why was God allowing this to happen?". I felt guilty for being pregnant and I wasn't sure if I really even wanted to be pregnant. This was something that I really struggled with and I didn't understand. Later that week during a time with God I had to realize that I would probably not get my answers until I saw God face to face. I had NO control over the situation and I had to trust God to be in control over the situation, even though I didn't like it. 


During this life we will go through situations that don't make any since and we don't understand why, but we have to remember that God is ALWAYS in control and I am so grateful for that.


Well let's skip ahead a few weeks...
On Monday, August 30th my husband and I were headed to an appointment with our midwife and I was really nervous. I just figured I was excited to see the first ultrasound of our 4th baby. Well when she pulled up our baby on the screen, she could tell that something was wrong. I was suppose to be about 10 weeks along and she said the baby looked more like a 6 or 7 week old baby. Our midwife decided to send us to doctor for a more in-depth ultrasound, but I couldn't make the appointment until Tuesday morning. So we drove home in silence; I felt like it was all a dream and I just wanted to wake up. We got home and I started folding clothes and cleaning my house. I couldn't control the situation, but I could control how my house looked. I was a mess!!! All night I tried to convince myself that maybe my dates were off and maybe I was only 7 weeks pregnant. The next morning I called the doctor and the earliest they could see us was Thursday afternoon, I thought I was going to go crazy. I then got in contact with one of my good friends, who is also an ER nurse for some direction. After talking with her, my husband and I decided to go visit her in the ER that night. After having the ultrasound and waiting for the Radiologist to read the results, the doctor came in and told us that we had lost our baby. The baby had actually died about 2 weeks ago and all I could think of is what happened two weeks ago...did I fall? did I feel something? WHAT HAPPENED??? I cried most of the way home and the same question I had 6 weeks ago came back "WHY?". Well by the following day I had started bleeding and cramping. I ended up miscarrying over the first weekend in September. As I look back over that week I can totally see the Lord's hand in the situation. He was right there walking beside us, but does that make it easier? Well I tired to convince myself it did. I tried to convince myself that I wasn't that attached to the baby and it was better for it to happen to me then some of my friends who were pregnant for the first time, but did that help...NO!!! I tried to act like it was just something that happened and that I was going to be ok, but that didn't help either. I even went to church the following weekend, but started crying half way through worship and couldn't stop. I was hurting so much! I was so angry and confused; then I realized that if I didn't face this I wasn't going to be ok. 


Sometimes, especially for me it is just easier to walk around a problem, especially if is a problem that I can't fix or control. But through this process God really showed me that I needed to walk right through this. That my life was going to be a mess until I really dealt with this situation head on. I would rather have put a band aid on it and put my happy face on and told everyone that I was fine, things were good and that I was going to be ok. But deep down I knew that was a lie and that I was hurting me and my family by doing that. The more I put off dealing with it, the more issues came up that were not just affecting me. I was scared and I didn't know how to walk through this, I just knew that I HAD to.


Is there something in your life that you have put a band aid on? Whether it be a HUGE situation or just a little one. Is it time to take off the band aid and deal with the issue? God wants to heal you, He does not want His children suffering. It is time for you to walk through your situation because it is just not affecting you, but everyone that loves you!!! God will be there with you, He will never leave you!! He wants to set you free from hurt and burdens that you DON'T have to carry. Take His hand and walk straight ahead! 

Why do I do what I do...

My oldest daughter just turned 5 and even though she is still one year away from entering Kindergarten, I have started homeschooling her this year and my 3 year old son when he is up for it. Why am I homeschooling? Is it because I don't believe in the public school system? NO! I am actually a teacher, I have my Bachelors in education with a double major in ECC & Elementary. I know there are many great public schools out there, I know there are many GREAT teachers out there and I know because God is watching over my children that they would do just fine in the public schools. I am homeschooling because God told me to. Will I homeschool each year? I don't know. I really feel like we are to look at our options each year and see what the best plan is for our kids. Each child is different and each child learns differently. I want my children to succeed and for that to happen I know that I need to be open to what the Lord is saying to me about my kids and where they are to go to school and that may change each year. So for this year, the Lord has told me to start to homeschool my kids, so that is what I am doing. 

Now that I knew the Lord had called me to homeschool I also needed Him to tell me how to homeschool. Yes, I am a teacher and I should know what I am doing, right? WRONG!!! I tried to take what I had learned in college and homeschool my kids and it was downright stressing me out! I felt like I was not getting anywhere with them and all of us ended up so frustrated. But I knew God had called me to this, so now what...Well during one of my morning quiet times I went before the Lord and said I don't know what to do, this is not working for me or my kids. The Lord spoke to me and said "School can be fun, it doesn't need to be all work. Make it enjoyable, but also a learning experience. Keep it simple! Don't stress! Homeschooling doesn't have to look like school. Make it your own. Don't look to others for approval only mine. Do what I have called you to." 

Let me tell you after hearing this it was like a huge weight had been lifted off. Instead of trying to write my own curriculum (like they made us do in college) I ordered up some books, printed off some papers from the internet and made some simple, achievable goals. Let me tell you, I am not stressing out or getting frustrated and even better my kids seem to be really enjoying it and learning something. 

Once the Lord has called us to something He will provide us with the tools to do it. Why is it we seem to hear the Lord's calling and then take off running thinking we can do it on our own? Since He has called us to it, don't you think we are going to need His help! I wish I would just learn to say "Ok Lord, you want me to do this, you need to help me"? Life would be so much easier, instead of trying it on our own first. Sometimes we just feel that we know what we are doing, we have the "training" or the task is simple. But I have learned no matter how much training how simple the task seems it will be so much easier if we ask God to equip us to do the work He has called us to. We are not designed to walk through life alone; we need Him in every aspect of life!!!

Now my little bragging moment :)

I started school mid-September with my 5 year old daughter, Addison and my 3 year old son, Lucas. We don't do school every day and we only do it for about 60-90 minutes. My first goal for my son was to recognize all the letters in the alphabet, so I made him some flash cards. The first time we did the flash cards he could recognize 8 letters and now it is mid-October and he now recognizes 24 letters. Addison has been working on the sounds of the letters and putting them together. About 2 weeks ago she read her first word CAT! I was so excited and it is such a wonderful feeling when they get it and understand what you have been teaching them. 

So this is why I homeschool my 2 oldest children

Being Real...

Who am I?

I am a wife, a mother of 3, a daughter, a sister, a stay-at-home mom, a friend, but above all I am one of God's children. 

What am I doing? 

Well that is a good question, because I really don't know. For awhile I have really felt the urge to write out what the Lord has been speaking to me, maybe it is just for me or maybe it will inspire, help or encourage someone else. I am not a professional writer, so I can't guarantee no typos, but I will try my best :)

Before beginning I want to say that I am not here to offend anyone and you may not agree with what I have to say and that is ok, because we are all different. We have all had different upbringings. We see things and do things different and that what makes each of us unique and special. My writings are what I believe, what I feel the Lord is speaking to me and what I am choosing to do with it.  This is me being real!!!