I wanted to share with you what the Lord shared with the ladies on Saturday. May you be blessed and may the Lord speak through this to you.
I started off with My Story...
One September, Sunday morning I was sitting in church during worship, trying to convince myself that nothing was wrong and that the tears flowing down my face didn’t mean anything. But then my pastor led us in a song talking about our Creator and that’s when it hit me. I wasn’t ok, in fact I was a mess and the tears were for my broken heart.
This was not just any Sunday morning this was exactly one week after I had miscarried. I had already given birth to 3 beautiful children with no complications and when we found out that we were pregnant with our 4th child, we expected nothing less then a healthy pregnancy ending in a baby that we would hold and love. We told all our family and friends when I was about 8 weeks along, which we were expecting. Then about 10 weeks into my pregnancy I had an appointment with my midwife. During the appointment she did a basic ultrasound and found out that our baby was not looking well. After a visit to the ER a day later, we were given the news that our baby died about 2 weeks earlier. Within days I started the miscarriage process, which took about a week. During that week I was so caught up in the physical pain and the process my body was going through that I started coming up with excuses why I was “fine” with losing my baby; 1) I didn’t feel attached to this baby 2) I would go a whole day and not remember I was pregnant 3) Something about this pregnancy was just different 4) Better me then some of the other ladies I knew that were pregnant for the first time. Now those maybe all true, but any and all of those reasons didn’t make me “fine” for losing a baby. And it wasn’t until I was seating in church that Sunday morning that I realized that I wasn’t “fine!”
I couldn’t hold it together, the tears were streaming down my face and all I could think about was how my Creator could create this baby and then let this baby die? So I walked out in the middle of worship looking for a particular lady to talk with. As I walked out the sanctuary doors, this lady walked right in front of me. I called her name; she came over and hugged me as I wept. She took me into the office were I confessed to her that I was mad at God for taking my baby, I didn’t understand why this had happened and I really didn’t know how to deal with this. She talked a bit, let me cry and most importantly prayed for me. I felt better, but I still wasn’t “fine”. My healing process had started, but it wasn’t over, not even close.
The next day the Lord spoke to me and said I needed to go to our Healing Prayer Service at church on Thursday. I was very hesitant in going, I knew I needed to, but I kept coming up with reasons why I didn’t want to go or wasn’t able to. So Thursday night came and went and I had not listened. During the next week I kept my distance from the Lord, because I knew what He was going to say and I didn’t really want to hear it. Finally the next Thursday came and I knew without a doubt that the Lord was telling me, not asking me, but telling me to go to prayer. Now let me tell you that the Lord and I weren’t on very good speaking terms or at least I wasn’t doing much talking to Him in the last couple of weeks. I was so hurt, confused and angry that I didn’t really want to talk to God. I grew up in the church and I heard that you are not suppose to be angry at God. Well let me tell you for the first time in my life I was angry with God and I didn’t know how to handle it. So I thought it would be better if He didn’t know that I was angry, so I kept my distance from Him. Looking back was a huge mistake, but I didn’t learn that until I listened to God that Thursday night and went to the Prayer Service.
The Prayer Service starts out in the Sanctuary with worship, which I couldn’t make it though without shedding a few tears. Then they ask if you are here for Healing Prayer to stand and they stay a quick prayer over you and then send you to the Chapel. I sat down in a pew and was handed a piece of paper to write down my prayer request. As I was writing my dad came and sat down next to me, put his arm around me and just held me as I started crying once again. The Pastor in charge walked around and collected all the prayer requests. Once I handed him my request I sat and waited for my name to be called. My name was the first to be called, I stood up and the Pastor handed my paper back and pointed me toward a group of 3 ladies. I walked up, handed them my prayer request paper and just stood there, not sure what to expect or what to say. As the lead lady took my paper she read it and then just asked me if she could hug me. I nodded and started sobbing. All three ladies started praying in the spirit and the presence of the Lord came quickly.
As I was standing there in the presence of the Lord a word came that spoke right to my heart “God is grieving too. He DID NOT want this to happen. This was not His will. He did not do this!” Those words showed me the Lord’s heart for me and it started to melt away the anger I had, but I knew that I needed to express my anger so when there was a break in the prayers I asked God “why?” I turned my face upwards and I said, “God, I don’t understand! Why did you let my baby die? Was this something I deserved? Why did you create my baby and then let it die?” Through one of the ladies the Lord spoke again “I am not punishing you, this is not because of something you did or didn’t do. You are a wonderful mother.” Again I knew I was healing, but I also knew it still wasn’t over. For the next two days I had to really focus on those words that had came on Thursday night. Every time I started to feel that anger dwell up in me I would remember the words and focus on the Lord’s heart for me.
The following Sunday I am in the middle of worship with a few tears running down my face, but something was different inside of me. This Sunday I could stand up and sing the words of the songs being sung and mean them with all my heart. There the Lord met me again and spoke these words softly to me “Trust me in this area and I will make you whole and bless you. I am with you; you don’t have to walk through this alone. Lean on me, let me carry through this. I did not do this! This is not my plan!” As I stood their listening to the Lord, the worship leader started singing “I say Yes, I say Yes, to you. I say Yes, I say Yes to you.” Right then and there I opened up my heart to the Lord so that He could completely heal me and so I could trust Him again in this area of my life. There are still days that I get scared about being pregnant or I wonder why I lost my baby, but then I stop and say Yes to God, Yes that I will trust Him in this area and that I will not live in fear.
This is what the Lord has shown me through my healing process...
1) Being Real with Myself – In the midst of my miscarriage I started coming up with lies to why I was “fine.” I also didn’t allow myself to really process what was going on with my body. I kept myself so busy with every day life, my 3 kids, cleaning, laundry...you name it I probably did it. It wasn’t until I was still and had nothing to “go and do” that I realized that I wasn’t “fine”. I had to accept what had happened and I had to accept that I wasn’t ok. The Lord can’t move, speak or heal when you are not real with yourself that something is wrong.
2) Being Real with God – After you become honest with yourself, you need to become honest with God. God knew that I wasn’t “fine”, He knew I was hurting and it was ok for me to tell Him. And when I finally did open up and become real with my Father I didn’t get an answer or a reason, but the Lord did comfort me and He spoke these words to me “Trust Me!” We may not get the answer or reason we are looking for, but the Lord will speak to you and He will heal you if you open up and allow Him in. God knows your heart.
King David is speaking to his son, Solomon, who was going to be the next king and King David says in 1 Chronicles 28:9 - “And you, my son Solomon, acknowledge the God of your father, and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the LORD searches every heart and understands every desire and every thought. If you seek him, he will be found by you; but if you forsake him, he will reject you forever
Nothing you say will be a surprise to him. He knows you’re angry, He knows your hurting, He knows you are lost, He knows your afraid....HE KNOWS WHERE YOU ARE, but you NEED to say it to Him. You need to become naked before the Lord, letting down all guards and be honest with Him. Tell Him you are angry, tell Him what hurts, tell Him you can’t find your way, tell Him what you are afraid, but most of all speak to Him! We won’t be mad, He wants you to be real with Him so that He can move in that area, I really believe when you are real before the Lord He will show you His heart for you and that He is a true loving, caring God and He wants to heal you and set you free from the anger, confusion, and mistrust and hurt.
3) Being Real with Others – Galatians 6:2
says “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” After you have become real with yourself and real with God you need to share your burdens, hurts, and fears with someone that will allow you to be real. You need to have others praying for you and encouraging you. We are not designed to walk through life alone, so don’t. Allow someone else to walk beside you and help you carry your burden. You have to pick carefully the people you are real with. I knew that I would be safe to share with the lady from church and with the ladies in the prayer meeting. I knew they would allow me to express what I was feeling and they wouldn’t just come up with nice things to say to make me feel better. But I knew that each one of those ladies would listen, give me freedom to speak what I felt, and then they would pray with me and speak truth to me.
4) Why Do Bad Things Happen? – I don’t know and I don’t understand when they do. But I know that Jesus did tell us we would have troubles. “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” - John 16:33. I can also tell you that we live in a fallen world and there is a devil and his job is to steal, kill and destroy. This was not God’s design for us. Our Father in heaven didn’t design us to have a sinful nature, but due to the fall in the Garden of Eden, this is now life. We live in a very sinful world and bad things happen to everyone, even those that follow the Lord Jesus Christ. When bad things happen to us, we as believers have a choice, we can choose to live in anger, turn away from God and blame Him for our pain or we can file our questions in “to be answer later file” and trust God that He is in control. The Lord’s heart for you during hard times is He grieves with you, the works of the enemy saddens Him, He may have allowed it to happen, but He did not do it. You are not going through this because you deserve to, it is just all part of us living in a fallen world.
5) Why do I know I can Trust God? – I know that I can trust God, because I can look back over my life and I see God’s hand and He has never let me down. I have trusted Him with my marriage, with my kids, financially and in some many other areas and in each area He has always been faithful. I bet if you look back over your life you have your own reasons on why God is trustworthy.
Psalms 103:8-17 & 145:13-20 describes the Lord and even when bad things happen we must hold onto the truths and promises of the Lord.
Psalms 103:8-17 - The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. The life of mortals is like grass, they flourish like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more. But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD’s love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children’s children
Psalms 145:13-20 - Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom, and your dominion endures through all generations. The LORD is trustworthy in all he promises and faithful in all he does. The LORD upholds all who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food at the proper time. You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing. The LORD is righteous in all his ways and faithful in all he does. The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them. The LORD watches over all who love him, but all the wicked he will destroy.
Conclusion
There is a verse that people like to often quote after something bad has happened.
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.
During the process of my miscarriage I was not in a place where I wanted to trust the Lord because I did not understand why this was happening. But faith isn’t about us always understanding and seeing, but it’s about us believing even when things don’t make since. I don’t understand why I lost my baby and I will probably not know until I see my God face to face, but I do know that I NEEDED to trust in the Lord with all my heart, so I won’t live in fear or in the land of why. That is a dangerous place to be, because if you are there you can’t keep going, you can’t be healed and the Lord can’t do His work in your life. The only way I knew to keep going and not get stuck was to trust God. Was it easy? No, but I did it and because I trusted Him, the Lord showed His faithfulness to me time and time again. Through this process the Lord has also shown me His heart for me in a new way. My Father in heaven LOVES me with an everlasting love. He wants me to have the desires of my heart. He grieves with me with I face hard times, He rejoices with me when there is a celebration. He watches over me and protects me. With as many people as there is in the world God still knows how many hairs are on my head and He loves me like I am the only one in the world. That is one amazing God! His Love is real and He really does want the best for you and me.
There is a worship song that talks about being undone in the Lord’s presences and to me it is talking about letting God see you, really you. Be real before God, the good, the bad and the ugly. Are you “undone” in His presences? Or are you afraid that if you became “undone” others would see that you don’t have it all together and that God would be upset with you because of something He sees in your heart. Well let me tell you that even though you are not being honest with God, He already knows. To be real with God or others you have to be real with yourself. It starts with you.
The Lord is a God that is good, holy, righteous, beautiful, glorious, compassionate, rich in love, mighty, powerful, trustworthy, and faithful. And if you are at a point right now that it is really hard for you to trust God in a certain area or sing to Him because the words of the songs are to hard to say or you are just stuck and can’t seem to move forward with your walk with God, then I want you to just be real with Him and tell Him where you are. Tell Him you are not ok, trust me, He won’t be surprised. Then I want you to take a step of faith and trust God with this issue. Open up your heart to Him so He can show you His heart for you during this season in your life. The Lord is with you and He wants to speak to you, He wants to have an intimate relationship with you. So allow your self to be undone in His presence.
