Pull Back or Press Forward...

During the past 10 months I have been broken, hurt, angry, scared, confused, frustrated, grief stricken, and worried. But I have also been healed, hopeful, excited, and at peace during those same 10 months. Even today as I write this, I am hurting, confused, not sure what's next and am praying everyday for guidance and peace. During the different trials of the past 10 months I have learned one important thing, that with each trail I HAVE had to make a choice. Gary Thomas says it best in his book Scared Marriage "We can give in to our hurt, resentment and bitterness or we can grow as a Christian and learn yet another important lesson on how to forgive."

I would normally classify myself as a runner (not in the literal since) but in the since of I DON'T like conflict. I don't like to hurt, to feel helpless, to just feel lost. I LIKE PEACE!!! When hard times or problems come my way I usually pull back, turn around and walk the other direction. But in the past year pulling back from my trials didn't really seem like an option. I mean I could of but I would have walked away from my God, hurt my family and friends and caused so much more pain in my life. So I did the only thing that made since at the time; I pressed forward, clinging on to God with every step. During each trial God walked every step of the way with me, He revealed His love and favor to me over and over, He grew my faith and changed the way I look at my life and the people in it.

Today, I am again met with the same choice. I have a choice to pull back, guard my heart and put up walls around myself or I can choose to press forward, forgive and open up my heart once again. Everything in my flesh wants to pull back, ignore and move on with my life, but everything in my aching heart wants to press forward, forgive and extent grace. Either way there is hurt that I will endure. I can press down all I am feeling and just move on, but those feelings will always be there, nothing will be resolved and bitterness will start to take root in my heart. Or I can choose to press forward and forgive, but even then it will not be an easy process because "Forgivness is achingly difficult...it is an unnatural act," Philip Yancey What's So Amazing About Grace?  I can either feel the hurt of pulling back or I can feel the hurt of pressing forward, but I do know that when I press forward and do what the Lord has asked of me, I will find peace once again.

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times," Matthew 18:21-22

Pressing forward is not easy and most of the time it takes a daily decision to keep going and to not give up; but I know that I can because God will walk every step along with me!

Standards...

Has there ever been a time when you don't feel like you meet standards? Now these could be standards you have put before you or these could be standards of a friend.

Well I am in that place, actually I think I have been in that place for awhile now. I feel my house is never as clean as I would like it and there are always never ending piles of laundry and dishes. There always seems to be something that needs to be organized or taken care of. I just feel like my life is constantly playing "catch-up". Just when I feel like one task is completed, there is always something else around the corner. I can never feel like I can get ahead. But it doesn't stop at material things it also goes right into relationships and parenting. After being married for 9 years I still struggle with a couple of issues that came up when we first got married. As much as I work on them, they are still areas that don't come easy for me and I seem to kick myself every time one of those areas come up. I know there are things that I need to work on to be a better parent. I feel like I don't spend enough quality time with my kids, somedays they watch to much tv, I loose my patience with my kids and end up yelling at my kids too much and the list goes on and on.

Just even writing this I feel somewhat like a failure. I have expectations and standards that I have given myself or I have felt from others that I don't meet. I feel like I sometimes get so stuck, because all I can see are the things I'm not doing right that doing anything overwhelms me. It is easier for me to sit and dwell on all my mistakes, failures, not met standards/expectations, or things that need to be done then to work on something that I could succeed

Today, during my quiet time with the Lord, I started writing how I was feeling and how I just felt like I could never meet the standards I had in my life. The Lord showed me, during this time that I was too focused on my weakness and my failures to see my strengths and accomplishments. Then He reminded me of something my Pastor said a couple weeks ago "we need to focus on our strengths and develop those gifts that God has given us, instead of trying to improve our weakness. The Potter has made me a certain way, I can't change that, so I need to accept who He has made me to be." The Lord reminded me to focus on my strengths and the gifts He has given me. Where I am weak, He is strong and He will help me in my weaknesses. Instead of getting so upset over all that I do wrong, the Lord wants me to focus on the things I do right. I am not and will not be good at everything, but there are somethings I do well. Those are the things I need to work on and not get so hung up every time I fail at something.

I realized that the standards/expectations that I felt in my life were not from God. They were put there by myself or others (even without them realizing it). God spoke to me and said "You have allowed standards/expectations to be put in your life that are not mine. I give you grace for when you fail or stumble AND you need to give yourself grace for you fail or stumble. Allow yourself to breath and make mistakes, to not be the perfect wife, mother, friend and daughter. You are the one beating yourself up, not me!"


2 Corinthians 12:9 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness...For when I am weak, then I am strong." 


Zechariah 4:6 "Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit says the Lord."


I am human, I make mistakes, I have weaknesses and some of them can be really ugly, but I also have some beautiful strengths that the Lord has blessed me with. I need to remember to focus on my strengths and NOT my weaknesses. I need to remember that God gives me grace and I need to give myself grace. I will never be the perfect wife, mother, cook or housekeeper but I don't have to be! The only standards that NEED to matter in my life are God's standards for my life. I think the most beautiful thing the Lord showed me today was His standards keep rising for me. The more I grow in Him and the more I realize who He is, the standards He has for me rise, but they never rise out of reach.

His Peace...

For the past 6 weeks I have felt like I have been riding a roller coaster with LOTS of drops and turns. When life finally seems to calm down and things seem to be getting back to "normal", I am faced with another 20 feet drop with a big twist at the end and it throws me off balance again.  After dealing with all the physical, spiritual and emotional stuff of the past 6 weeks, I am pretty spent. Life continues to go on, but I feel like I am just stuck in a place of the unknown. Unknown of what is to come, unknown of how to deal with my current situations, unknown of how to express where I am and what I am feeling. Because of all that has been going on I have let my mind go and it has been on a roller coaster ride of its own. I have thought of the best scenarios for each situation but I have also let my mind come up with the worst scenarios imaginable and my emotions have been along for the ride. I have let my mind get so far away from me that I feel so out of control.

On Monday during my quiet time with the Lord, I just started writing. I wrote down all my fears, my confusion, my anxiety, my hurt and anything else that has been on my mind the last few weeks. After a few pages of writing, the Lord spoke and gave me this verse "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be trouble and do not be afraid," John 14:27. Then I just started praying for the Lord's peace in my life and over every situation. He then lead me to 1 Peter 3:11 "...he must seek peace and pursue it." Which reminded me that I have to desire peace in my life, I have to strive for peace and allow God to give me the peace He so wants me to have. For the last two days I have been trying to seek peace and to allow God's peace to over come my thoughts, my worries, my anxiety, my confusion and my hurts, but it has not been easy. Just when I feel peace comes, my mind starts to wonder and I feel myself starting to get lost in all of it once again.

This morning the Lord reminded me of Ephesians 6:12 "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." The devil would love for me to live in a state of confusion, the unknown, the stress, anxiety, and hurt that I have been so wrapped up in. He would love to keep me there; however, the Lord has called me to fight against the evil one, but He has also equipped me to do so. God lead me to these verses to help me in my battle. "For through we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ," 2 Corinthians 10:3-5. My job in this fight is to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ. God has not called me to live in my current state of mind, He wants me to live free of my anxiety, my hurt, my confusion, the unknown. He wants me to live in His peace that is why He left it for me. He didn't leave it as a nice gift or thought, He left it so I would take His peace and live in it. He does not want my heart to be troubled with the things of this world. In the end this world and all of its troubles will fade away, but God's peace will remain. I have to choose to take control of my mind and take it off the roller coaster, that is has been on. I have to follow the Lord's instructions in 1 Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."


I have a choice...
I can choose to live in fear, anxiety, hurt, confusion, worried about the unknown. I can allow my thoughts to rule my life to keep me from all the plans and healing God has for me. To letting my situations and the worries of this worry to keep me in a state of feeling lost and paralyzed.
OR
I can take captive every thought that I have and stop my mind from wondering to the unthinkable. To give God my fear, anxiety, hurt, confusion, worries about the unknown. Allowing Him to give me His peace and His healing. To focus on who God is the plans He has for me.

Just asking for God's peace is not enough you have to pursue it, you have to allow your mind to dwell on His peace and not the current situation. You have to take control of your mind and you have to seek His peace and when do you will find it!!!