Promises...

Today has been a tough day, just a lot of ups and downs and I was ready for the day to be done, so I put the kids to bed a bit earlier then normal. After all 3 were in bed, the Lord spoke and said "I have been waiting." To be honest, it has been awhile since I have really had a good, solid quiet time with my Heavenly Father. So I pulled out my bible, journal, pen and turned on my iPod to one of my new worship songs that I just downloaded yesterday called "Everything" by Jesus Culture. The first few lines of this song are...

"Find me here, Speak to me, I want to feel, I need to hear" and that is exactly where I was. I needed to feel Jesus, I needed to hear his voice and I needed to feel loved. I played those lines a couple of times over and then allowed the rest of the song to play. The song talks about who God is and how He is everything we need. The chorus sings "You're all I want; You're all I need; Everything." The second time through the chorus the Lord asked me "Am I everything to you?" I paused a moment and then asked the Lord to show me where He wasn't everything in my life.

His words followed that question; all I could do was write and cry.
"Trust me that I have not forgotten you! Trust me that I am walking right along with you. Trust me that you are not alone. Trust me that I am here! You have given up on me, you have given up on the promises that I have given you. Those promises have not changed, my plans have not changed. I have not forgotten you!"

We all have been given promises in our life, some have been fulfilled and others are still waiting to be fulfilled. Because of some issues I had given up on the promises that the Lord gave me. I started settling and being content with how things were in my life, even though I know the Lord has promised me more.

Tonight MY God told me to not give up on Him, to not settle, but to hold out for the promises that HE gave me. That even though things seem impossible or lost right now, they are NOT, because He has not forgotten them, because those promises for my life have NOT changed!

Psalms 37:5 - "Commit your way to the Lord; trust also in Him and He shall bring it to pass." (American King James Version)

My Heavenly Father, I am sorry for losing sight of the promises you have for me, for giving up on you, for allowing difficulties to doubt what you have promised me. Lord, please give me the faith to trust you that what you have promised will come to pass. I commit my life into your hands. I trust you to lead me, to take care of me, to fulfill the promises you have for my life. 

Do you have unfulfilled promises that you have started doubting or that you have lost sight of? I pray for each one of you that the Lord would speak to each one of you and remind you of all the goodness He has for your life. You are His and He loves you!!! His love never fails and His promises DO NOT changed!

Don't Just Hear...

Last week I was reading the book of Philippians and I came upon this verse…

Phil 4:9 “Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me put it into practice.”

Now Paul was writing this to the church of Phillippi, but this verse spoke directly to me. God was telling me I needed to do something that He told me to do, that I haven’t done yet.

Just a few weeks ago my pastor gave a sermon that really spoke to me, actually it spoke so much that I cried most of the way through it. I know God really used him to speak to me concerning a certain situation that I have been really struggling with for awhile. I really felt like the Lord gave me direction and the next step in my situation, but have I don it yet? Well to be honest…NO. It’s in the back of my head and every now and then I feel the Lord nudging me, but I still have yet to do what my Heavenly Father asked.

Why? Well I can come up with plenty of excuses, not enough time, maybe I heard wrong, but the truth is…It’s uncomfortable, it’s something I really don’t want to do and it makes me nervous about the outcome. Are those good reasons not to do what I know I need to do?

NOPE!

James 1:22-25 “Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what is says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what is says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he look like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it – he will be blessed in what he does.”

It is not enough to hear God speak or read His word, I MUST do what He says! The only way my thoughts, attitudes and my actions will change is if I do what my Lord God says! I can’t worry about the outcome; I have to just worry about what I am supposed to do. I HAVE to let God take care of the outcome. I have to surrender my worries and my fears and just DO IT!

The Lord is asking each one of us to put His words into practice; to not just sit and listen to a nice sermon, to not just read the bible and to not let it change our lives. God is asking us to do something with what He has shown us. He wants our worlds to be changed by His words and the only way that will happen is if we do what He says!

There is some good news in all this…WE DON’T HAVE TO DO IT ALONE!!! God will be standing right next to us and will be giving us all the strength we need to do the task He has for us to complete. By my own strength I know that I cannot do what I need to, but with God’s strength I can do anything He asks of me.

Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

Beautiful Things...

This past year for me has been full of heartache, confusion, hurts and losses. I would never wish to go through all I have again, but because of my year, my relationship with the Lord is stronger than it ever has been and for that I am so thankful. I know my Heavenly Father in a new and imitate way and I am so grateful that He has brought me out of some dark times. 


As I was sitting in church on Saturday night during worship we started singing Beautiful Things by Gungor and the first verse really hit me hard.


All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all


I still have pain and there are issues that I am still dealing with from this past year and I have just pretty much started to be complacent that this was "my new" life. This is now how things were going to be and I was becoming ok with it. It was easier to give up and just let things be than to open my heart up and possibly get hurt again or to deal with issues that were easier to sweep under the rug. Especially when I felt justified for how I am feeling and how I don't want to hurt anymore. 


Well the chorus of this songs says...


You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of dust 
You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of dust 

The Lord spoke to me and said you have a lot of dust in your life right now. A lot of hurts and offensives that I want to make beautiful, but YOU have to ALLOW ME to make them beautiful. You have to TURST ME so I can make that dust into something beautiful. 


I ended up going and taking communion that evening and asking God to forgive me for not allowing him to be the author of each of my situations. For taking each thing I have dealt with this last year and trying to make it be the best outcome that I could. It doesn't matter how hard I try my best outcome will NEVER compare to God's outcome for my dust. 


Luke 13:37 says For nothing is impossible with God. It doesn't matter whether I think "that" will never happen or my life can never be that good again, because with God ANYTHING is possible. He can fully restore things that have been broke and hurt. I just have to allow him to do it. Yes, it might hurt. Yes, I will probably have to do things I DON'T WANT to, but in the end if my dust is turned into something beautiful for God's glory it will all be worth it! 


I know I am not the only one that had dust in their lives that God wants to turn into something beautiful. Are you willing to let Him make beautiful things out of your dust? 

Grace...

I know it has been awhile, but I have been at a loss of how to write what Lord has been speaking and teaching me these last few weeks. Then there are also the questions that keep going through my head. Is this right? Am I really hearing from the Lord? Does this make since to anyone but me? With those questions and my doubts I have kept silent so I can really make sure I am obeying the Lord in my life and with my words.

As some of you know I am a stay-at-home mom of three kids under the age of 5. I do enjoy my kids and my life, but some day are just plain HARD! It doesn't matter what I try I seem to fail as a mom. Some days I feel my kids are out of control or I lose it with them and start yelling or I just turn the TV on to "babysit" them so I can get a break. My parenting is something that I take very personal. I know I am not the perfect parent and I probably make decisions that other would not, but as far as I know my kids did not come with an instruction manuel so I am doing the best I can.

My parenting is something that I daily ask the Lord for help with, for ideas, for strength and patience just to get through another day. Now, not all days are tough, I do have some very enjoyable times with my kids, but I know that I CANNOT parent without the Lord and His wisdom, grace and love.

I have read a few parenting book, gone through a couple of parenting classes and tried many different things with my kids, but it seems like not matter what I try it works once and then it never works again. I was starting to feel at a loss. Then I felt the Lord nudge me to look for one more book that may help. So I went to Focus on the Family's website and came across a book called Raising Your Spirited Child. I thought it looked interesting so I bought it. As I began reading this book I came across stories of other people children acting like my children. Reading page after page I kept saying to myself  "that sounds like_________ (inserting of of my kids' name). I love the way the author describes spirited kids is "they are normal kids, but more." Let me tell you I feel like my kids are A LOT MORE!

The more I read this book the more I realize my kids are ALL spirited kids (no wonder life is crazy), now most of the families in the book seem to only have one spirited child, but the Lord blessed me with 3! I felt like I had found so much freedom in this book. Within the first few chapters of this book the author says most other parenting books/styles will not work with spirited kids. Spirited kids feel and react differently then other kids. This made my day!!! I realized that it wasn't me, I wasn't doing something wrong and it helped me to see why those other books or classes didn't seem to work so well with my kids. This book has opened my eyes to new ideas and solutions to situations that I find myself in daily. It has also helped me identify signs and watch for cues that we are about to have a break down or a melt down.

Now this book isn't perfect and neither am I. I know even with the new tools and information I now have I will still not be the "World's Best Mom". I will still make mistakes, I will probably still yell when my buttons get pushed just right, I will probably still lose it every now and then, but that is where the Lord's grace come in. God knows my heart and He knows that I want to be a good parent to the 3 SPIRITED kids He gave me. He knows that I want to train them in godly ways and to help them discover who God has created them to be. THAT IS WHAT COUNTS! I know my Heavenly Father will continue to forgive me when I fail and give me grace where I lack patience, because my the desire of my heart is to be a great mom and to honor my God with my parenting.

No one is perfect and we all have areas that we struggle with even sinful ones, but if our desires is to live a life that is honoring and obedient to our God then He will continue to cover us with grace. To forgive us when we don't deserve it, to scatter our sins and remember them no more.

Quiet Times...

I remember going to a week of summer camp each year from the time I was in Elementary School to High School. I would go and get so fired up for the Lord. One year I was baptized in the Holy Spirit and another year I felt called to Missions. Each year was full of fun, friends and deep encounters with the Lord. Then I remember coming home and making a promise that I would stay close with the Lord, read my bible every day and just spend time in His presences. And every year that would last for maybe a week or so after camp. The just like clock work I would miss one day and then 2 days. Then it normally turned into a week, which turned into months of not fulfilling my promise. Somewhere during those months I might try again to have a daily quiet time, but yet again I failed.  Then I would start feeling guilty for not having my quiet times because everyone said how important they were and I had made a promise I would do them. Then it just became easier to not do them and so I didn't. Then camp would come around again the next year and the cycle would start ALL OVER.

Over and over again I would hear how important "quiet times" were and how you needed them to have a good christian life and over and over again I would try to have a daily quiet time, but they never lasted. Then over and over again I would get so frustrated with myself for not being able to keep a daily quiet time. Then over and over again the guilt would come. I felt like I was on a hamster wheel and there was no way off.

Well during this last year of heartache I felt like all I could hold onto was my quiet times with the Lord. I would just sit, read, cry, yell, talk, listen in the Lord's presences. It became a daily necessity for me. Then thing started to become a little more stable again. I was walking out of the valley that I had been in and my dependence on my quiet times was less and less. Then I started to miss a day then two and my times with the Lord went from daily to once or twice a week. Then I started feeling guilty and shameful for not making the time with the Lord a priority. He was there in my darkest hours and now that I was out of them I was neglecting Him. Somedays I had time, but I just chose not to sit down and be with my Maker and my heart was starting to hurt, I was acting in the flesh more and more and life is just getting really HARD.

This past Sunday morning, I was still in worship, feeling guilty for only doing a quiet time one day this past week when the Lord spoke to me. "I am not bringing this shame, guilt or condemnation upon you. I just want to spend time with you. My heart is full of love for you and I love our times together. I cherish you and spending time with you brings joy to my heart." 


Romans 8:1 - Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.


Those words from the Lord has really changed my thinking about quiet times. I almost use to look at them as something I HAD to do to be a good christian. I was living under the "law". It was like I felt like my christian walk was measured by how good my "quiet times" were. But that is NOT how God looks at it at all!!! He looks at quiet times as a way to spend time with us. He ENJOYS spending time with us and He enjoys listening to our prayers and receiving praises from our mouths. I know for me, I need to change my heart towards quiet times with the Lord, maybe I even need to stop calling them quiet times.

Before writing this I read Psalms 139, the whole chapter talks about how God knows us, He formed us and loves us. After reading that chapter of Psalms I so want to sit in the Lord's presence and be loved by Him. Sitting, reading, praying, and listening with the Lord is the best way I know to really understand who my Heavenly Father is. Spending time with the Lover of my Soul shouldn't be something I feel like I have to do and if I don't then I'm a horrible Christian; it should be something that I desire to do, that I long for and if I don't I feel like I missed out on something really special.

Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God; 

Since my God desires to spend time with me, I want the desires of my heart to WANT to spend time with Him so I may know Him. God has really challenged me to check my heart when I think about quiet times. I need to have the attitude I want to because it means spending time with the person that made me, loves me more than I can fathom and desires for me to know him. When I look at quiet times as something I get to do and not I have to, it makes so much more desirable and enjoyable. And there is nothing I would rather be doing than spending time with MY GOD!!!

Waiting...

I feel you standing there, just waiting for me
Waiting patiently for me to put this world aside
To take my focus off of me and put it on you
I feel your sweet quiet voice saying "now, now"
But I come up with one more thing to do
You wait with longing and love in your eyes
You have told me what you desire and what you long for
Still I keep my distance
My flesh takes over
What I do and say is not pleasing to you
I don't stop, I don't sit, I don't pray, I don't listen
I just keep going
You don't push, you don't guilt, you just wait.
Waiting for me to join you in your presences
Waiting for me to be still before you
Waiting to bless me with your great love
When will I ever learn

Pull Back or Press Forward...

During the past 10 months I have been broken, hurt, angry, scared, confused, frustrated, grief stricken, and worried. But I have also been healed, hopeful, excited, and at peace during those same 10 months. Even today as I write this, I am hurting, confused, not sure what's next and am praying everyday for guidance and peace. During the different trials of the past 10 months I have learned one important thing, that with each trail I HAVE had to make a choice. Gary Thomas says it best in his book Scared Marriage "We can give in to our hurt, resentment and bitterness or we can grow as a Christian and learn yet another important lesson on how to forgive."

I would normally classify myself as a runner (not in the literal since) but in the since of I DON'T like conflict. I don't like to hurt, to feel helpless, to just feel lost. I LIKE PEACE!!! When hard times or problems come my way I usually pull back, turn around and walk the other direction. But in the past year pulling back from my trials didn't really seem like an option. I mean I could of but I would have walked away from my God, hurt my family and friends and caused so much more pain in my life. So I did the only thing that made since at the time; I pressed forward, clinging on to God with every step. During each trial God walked every step of the way with me, He revealed His love and favor to me over and over, He grew my faith and changed the way I look at my life and the people in it.

Today, I am again met with the same choice. I have a choice to pull back, guard my heart and put up walls around myself or I can choose to press forward, forgive and open up my heart once again. Everything in my flesh wants to pull back, ignore and move on with my life, but everything in my aching heart wants to press forward, forgive and extent grace. Either way there is hurt that I will endure. I can press down all I am feeling and just move on, but those feelings will always be there, nothing will be resolved and bitterness will start to take root in my heart. Or I can choose to press forward and forgive, but even then it will not be an easy process because "Forgivness is achingly difficult...it is an unnatural act," Philip Yancey What's So Amazing About Grace?  I can either feel the hurt of pulling back or I can feel the hurt of pressing forward, but I do know that when I press forward and do what the Lord has asked of me, I will find peace once again.

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times," Matthew 18:21-22

Pressing forward is not easy and most of the time it takes a daily decision to keep going and to not give up; but I know that I can because God will walk every step along with me!

Standards...

Has there ever been a time when you don't feel like you meet standards? Now these could be standards you have put before you or these could be standards of a friend.

Well I am in that place, actually I think I have been in that place for awhile now. I feel my house is never as clean as I would like it and there are always never ending piles of laundry and dishes. There always seems to be something that needs to be organized or taken care of. I just feel like my life is constantly playing "catch-up". Just when I feel like one task is completed, there is always something else around the corner. I can never feel like I can get ahead. But it doesn't stop at material things it also goes right into relationships and parenting. After being married for 9 years I still struggle with a couple of issues that came up when we first got married. As much as I work on them, they are still areas that don't come easy for me and I seem to kick myself every time one of those areas come up. I know there are things that I need to work on to be a better parent. I feel like I don't spend enough quality time with my kids, somedays they watch to much tv, I loose my patience with my kids and end up yelling at my kids too much and the list goes on and on.

Just even writing this I feel somewhat like a failure. I have expectations and standards that I have given myself or I have felt from others that I don't meet. I feel like I sometimes get so stuck, because all I can see are the things I'm not doing right that doing anything overwhelms me. It is easier for me to sit and dwell on all my mistakes, failures, not met standards/expectations, or things that need to be done then to work on something that I could succeed

Today, during my quiet time with the Lord, I started writing how I was feeling and how I just felt like I could never meet the standards I had in my life. The Lord showed me, during this time that I was too focused on my weakness and my failures to see my strengths and accomplishments. Then He reminded me of something my Pastor said a couple weeks ago "we need to focus on our strengths and develop those gifts that God has given us, instead of trying to improve our weakness. The Potter has made me a certain way, I can't change that, so I need to accept who He has made me to be." The Lord reminded me to focus on my strengths and the gifts He has given me. Where I am weak, He is strong and He will help me in my weaknesses. Instead of getting so upset over all that I do wrong, the Lord wants me to focus on the things I do right. I am not and will not be good at everything, but there are somethings I do well. Those are the things I need to work on and not get so hung up every time I fail at something.

I realized that the standards/expectations that I felt in my life were not from God. They were put there by myself or others (even without them realizing it). God spoke to me and said "You have allowed standards/expectations to be put in your life that are not mine. I give you grace for when you fail or stumble AND you need to give yourself grace for you fail or stumble. Allow yourself to breath and make mistakes, to not be the perfect wife, mother, friend and daughter. You are the one beating yourself up, not me!"


2 Corinthians 12:9 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness...For when I am weak, then I am strong." 


Zechariah 4:6 "Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit says the Lord."


I am human, I make mistakes, I have weaknesses and some of them can be really ugly, but I also have some beautiful strengths that the Lord has blessed me with. I need to remember to focus on my strengths and NOT my weaknesses. I need to remember that God gives me grace and I need to give myself grace. I will never be the perfect wife, mother, cook or housekeeper but I don't have to be! The only standards that NEED to matter in my life are God's standards for my life. I think the most beautiful thing the Lord showed me today was His standards keep rising for me. The more I grow in Him and the more I realize who He is, the standards He has for me rise, but they never rise out of reach.

His Peace...

For the past 6 weeks I have felt like I have been riding a roller coaster with LOTS of drops and turns. When life finally seems to calm down and things seem to be getting back to "normal", I am faced with another 20 feet drop with a big twist at the end and it throws me off balance again.  After dealing with all the physical, spiritual and emotional stuff of the past 6 weeks, I am pretty spent. Life continues to go on, but I feel like I am just stuck in a place of the unknown. Unknown of what is to come, unknown of how to deal with my current situations, unknown of how to express where I am and what I am feeling. Because of all that has been going on I have let my mind go and it has been on a roller coaster ride of its own. I have thought of the best scenarios for each situation but I have also let my mind come up with the worst scenarios imaginable and my emotions have been along for the ride. I have let my mind get so far away from me that I feel so out of control.

On Monday during my quiet time with the Lord, I just started writing. I wrote down all my fears, my confusion, my anxiety, my hurt and anything else that has been on my mind the last few weeks. After a few pages of writing, the Lord spoke and gave me this verse "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be trouble and do not be afraid," John 14:27. Then I just started praying for the Lord's peace in my life and over every situation. He then lead me to 1 Peter 3:11 "...he must seek peace and pursue it." Which reminded me that I have to desire peace in my life, I have to strive for peace and allow God to give me the peace He so wants me to have. For the last two days I have been trying to seek peace and to allow God's peace to over come my thoughts, my worries, my anxiety, my confusion and my hurts, but it has not been easy. Just when I feel peace comes, my mind starts to wonder and I feel myself starting to get lost in all of it once again.

This morning the Lord reminded me of Ephesians 6:12 "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." The devil would love for me to live in a state of confusion, the unknown, the stress, anxiety, and hurt that I have been so wrapped up in. He would love to keep me there; however, the Lord has called me to fight against the evil one, but He has also equipped me to do so. God lead me to these verses to help me in my battle. "For through we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ," 2 Corinthians 10:3-5. My job in this fight is to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ. God has not called me to live in my current state of mind, He wants me to live free of my anxiety, my hurt, my confusion, the unknown. He wants me to live in His peace that is why He left it for me. He didn't leave it as a nice gift or thought, He left it so I would take His peace and live in it. He does not want my heart to be troubled with the things of this world. In the end this world and all of its troubles will fade away, but God's peace will remain. I have to choose to take control of my mind and take it off the roller coaster, that is has been on. I have to follow the Lord's instructions in 1 Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."


I have a choice...
I can choose to live in fear, anxiety, hurt, confusion, worried about the unknown. I can allow my thoughts to rule my life to keep me from all the plans and healing God has for me. To letting my situations and the worries of this worry to keep me in a state of feeling lost and paralyzed.
OR
I can take captive every thought that I have and stop my mind from wondering to the unthinkable. To give God my fear, anxiety, hurt, confusion, worries about the unknown. Allowing Him to give me His peace and His healing. To focus on who God is the plans He has for me.

Just asking for God's peace is not enough you have to pursue it, you have to allow your mind to dwell on His peace and not the current situation. You have to take control of your mind and you have to seek His peace and when do you will find it!!!

He Never Left...

Our last two Mondays have been filled with experiences that I NEVER want to experience again! 


Two Mondays ago my husband arrived home at 4:30pm and we all settled down on the couch to watch a movie with the kids, since my younger two had not been feeling well most of the day. With in about 5 minutes into the movie I looked down at my 2 year old who was snuggling up with me and noticed her lips had turned purple. I sat up and quickly realized she wasn't breathing. I handed her to my husband who then laid her on the floor and he told me to call 911. I dialed with my handshaking and my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest. As I told the operator what was going on, where we lived and my phone number I watched my husband trying to get my daughter to respond after she continue to not breath he gave her two breaths. After those breaths, my daughter threw up and started breathing again. Shortly after that the paramedics showed up and got right down to business. Taking her stats, asking questions and trying to figure out what just happened. Then they all agreed that she had a Febrile Seizure, meaning her body temperature spiked faster then her little body could handle. They reassured us this was a normal reaction for a 2 year old with a fast temperature spike. We all agreed that we would feel comfortable staying home and watching her. Well with in 10-15 minutes of them leaving our daughter had another seizure, this time she started convulsing and her eyes rolled back. My mother-in-law showed up and as soon as she walked through the door she began praying, while I dialed 911 again. My mom then showed up and was able to help calm our other 2 children as we waited for the paramedics to come back. They arrived in about 5 minutes and by that time she had stopped the convulsions, but looked to be unconscious. Again the paramedics asked questions, took her stats and asked what we would like to do. By this time I was pretty freaked out and really didn't know what to do and my husband was ready to take her to the hospital. The Paramedic that seemed to be in charged reassured us that again her temp spiked to fast and this was her body's reaction. She let us know what would happen if we took our daughter to the hospital, but she also felt that if we could get her some medicine to get the fever under control we would probably be ok to just stay home with her, but it was up to us. We decided on staying home and I slept on the couch with her that night, terrified it would happen again, but thankfully it didn't. 


The rest of our week was filled with all 3 kids getting fevers and the stomach flu. It was a long week of restless nights, TONS of laundry and a week with cartoons and movies. Finally Saturday morning came, the sun was out and everyone seemed healthy. So after a busy weekend the next Monday came and all I could think about was getting life back to normal. Well that was a short lived thought.


Last Monday morning started off to be pretty normal. After everyone woke up breakfast was served, everyone got dressed and brushed their teeth, laundry was started, so far so good. And then our family dog of almost 5 years (which we had him since he was a puppy) bit my son in the face. I didn't see the incident, but I heard it and by the time I had gotten to my son and he was bleeding and crying. I clean up the cuts, text my husband and the dog spent the rest of the day in his crate or outside. That was it, as good as a dog he was and there were times he wasn't so good, but it didn't really matter now I wanted that dog out of my house. After looking at all our options, we finally took the dog up to my inlaws until we could figure out exactly what to do with him. Well through my mother-in-law's friend we were able to find the dog a good home, with no kids.


Now what to do about my son's face. I did what I knew what to do or what I thought would be best, but it just seemed to be not getting any better. So I got in contact with one of my good friends who is also a nurse and asked her opinion. After getting a picture message of my sons face that I texted her she advised me to take him to the doctor. I was able to get an appointment that day and he was on antibiotics by late afternoon. His face is getting better, I just feel so bad that this happened to him. He loved that dog and just wanted to pet him. 


So I have officially decided that I DON'T like Mondays and am thinking of erasing them from my calendar. I think two Saturdays sound good to me :)


Yesterday I was praying and reading my bible and I began to think about all the events of the last 10 days. I have come to the conclusion that all the things that happened could be attacks from the devil. About 3 weeks ago I stepped out in faith and spoke to the women from our Women's Retreat and 2 weeks before that spoke to the high school youth group. I am now starting to really understand why we should continue praying even after we have taken our step of faith. We may feel our job is done, but that doesn't mean the devil won't "reward" us for trusting God and doing what He has asked of us. But even in the midst of what I feel like are attacks on my family I have seen God's hand upon us and I know that He never left. Through the last year my confidence has grown in the Lord and I know we may have to walk through horrible things in this lifetime, but I have confidence in my God that He will walk right next to me, He will protect me and my family and He will help me to overcome and turn to good what the devil has intended for evil. 


Proverbs 3:26 "for the Lord will be your confidence..." 


Joshua 1:5 "...I will never leave you nor forsake you."


Through these last 10 days I have seen God's hand on my family...

• My husband had been home maybe 10 minutes before my daughter's first seizure. He took control and was pretty calm during the whole time.
• We had paramedics that responded with in 2-5 minutes of each call. They were calm, gave us all the information we needed and even spoke to our other 2 kids to let them know that their sister was going to be ok.
• Both our moms were able to be at our house in 15 minutes and help us out with whatever we needed.
• Not all 3 kids were all sick at the same time and they were all well so we could attend my Grandpa's 80th birthday party.
• We were able to find a good new home for our dog with in 2 days on the incident.
• My wonderful friend gave me so much help and insight on what to do for my son. I have deemed her "My Personal On-Call Nurse"
• I was able to get an appointment with our doctor the same day I called and didn't have to spend extra time or money at the ER or Urgent Care.

We had many family and friends praying for us.Yes, these last 10 days have been NO fun, but as I look back I know that God was with us each step of the way. He made things a bit easier for us to walk through all the events we did. 


Psalm 23:4 "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil for you are with me; Your rod and your staff they comfort me. 

Words...

This is a very raw post for me to write. God spoke very clearly and direct to me this morning when He was correcting me, yet again.

Over the past couple of days I have spoken a word here or there, really without even thinking about it, but as soon as I said it the Lord has had something to say about it. This morning I was texting my sister and when she had to go into a prayer meeting and my first response was "prayer is overrated" in a very sarcastic way. (Just to let you know prayer is a very important part of my life and I know that without prayer I could not do the things the Lord has asked of me to do.) But before I hit the send button the Lord spoke and said "that's enough."I know that I was joking and being sarcastic but the Lord didn't see it that way. Then He reminded me of all my other comments that I have made that have not been uplifting or honoring to Him or others.

The past two weeks have been really tough with my three kids. I know it is just a stage and I think the devil probably has a hand it it, because I'm stepping out in faith and speaking what the Lord has given me to speak. Just the other day I was speaking to a friend and was telling her about my week and used the word "hell" to describe my week and the Lord spoke and said "you don't have any idea what hell is really like."

Last week the Lord woke me up at 4am to give me some words to speak for the Women's Retreat I'm speaking at, and the next morning I put my facebook status as "Really God was 4am that necessary?"(As a sarcastic comment) Later that day my brother-in-law commented "yes it was". The Lord spoke and said "you get to talk to me whenever you want, so I get to talk to you whenever I want."

Now I didn't mean anything that I said, it was all sarcasm or just how I felt in the moment, but the Lord didn't see it that way. My words are suppose to be honoring, uplifting and a blessing to my Heavenly Father and others. In all of three of those instants they were none of the above. Even when I am joking around or in a bad mood my words need to be honoring to God.

Matthew 12:34b"For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." 
I want my words to reflect what is in my heart, even during hard times. I know my Lord has blessed in so many ways and He loves me with an unconditional love; He doesn't deserve me to speak unpleasant words even sarcastically.


Matthew 12:36 "But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgement for every careless word they have spoken."
When I stand before God I want to hear that my words uplifted people and people were blessed by what I said. I don't want to hear that I made others stumble or sin because of my words. I want to hear that I honored God with all that I did and said. I DO NOT want to hinder anyone or anything because of my words.

Proverbs 16:23-24 "A wise man's heart guides his mouth, and his lips promote instruction. Pleasant words are honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones." 
Lord please help me to use pleasant words, so I may help bring healing and not hurt. Help me to guard my mouth and make sure the words that I use are uplifting and honoring to you and to the others around me. Please show me and take away anything that is not pure in my heart so I may speak from my heart and know that only goodness, kindness and blessings come from the words that I speak.

For Us...

This morning in my quiet time I read Luke 22 & 23, My Savior's death story. Even though I know this story and have heard this story over and over since I was a kid, I still get tears in my eyes when I actually take the time and really reflect exactly what happened all those years ago.

God's Son came to earth and lived a perfect, holy life. Isaiah describes Jesus' death this way "He was assigned a grave with the wicked, and with the rich in his death, though he had done NO violence, NOR was any deceit in His mouth" Is 53:9. Jesus never sinned although He was tempted in every way, but He was still put to death. And the death of His one and only son was God's plan all along. Is 53:10 "Yet it was the Lord's will to crush Him and cause Him to suffer, and though the Lord makes His life a guilt offering..." 

The moment God sent His son to earth, He knew the death that His son would have to endure for us and He still sent Him and He let Jesus take the sins of the world upon His shoulders. In the Garden of Gethsemane Jesus knew what was coming and He was in agony over what was about to happen. He even prayed to his father "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." Luke 22:42. Right there Jesus says, I don't want to do this, but I will submit to my Father and His plans. And that is exactly what He did. Jesus submitted to His Father's will so we would be saved by His blood.

I think two of the most beautiful events that happened during Christ's suffering were first when one of the disciples struck the servant of the high priest and cut off his ear and Jesus reached over and healed the servant's ear. This was a man that was about to arrest Jesus and take him to the high priest and Jesus decided to heal him (paraphrased from Luke 22:49-51). Jesus healed his enemy, He didn't have to and no one probably even expected Him to; everyone may have been even a little shocked when He did. The next most beautiful thing to me is when Jesus asked "Father forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing" Luke 23:34. Jesus just asked that His Father would forgive the sins of the people that were just about to kill him. In the face of death, Jesus loved those men and He wanted them to turn from their wicked ways so He would see them in Heaven. This is the real heart of My Savior Jesus Christ. In the midst of His hurt and His pain He is healing and praying for others.

In our eyes did they deserve God's mercy? UM NO! But God doesn't give us what we deserve. God has made a way so we may dwell in His house forever. So we may see loved ones that have gone before us. So we may meet King David, Noah, Ruth, Paul and so many others. Our God is so good and His heart for us is so pure.

On that cross Jesus bore the sins of the world. A man that had never sinned had the world's sin, all of the sins that had been committed and all the sins that will be committed, were on our Savior's shoulders.

Today as we reflect on that horrific day all those years ago let's remember the heart and soul of the Son of God that hung their and died so that you and I might live. His heart was for the lost, forsaken, sinful, broken...US!

NOT an Excuse...

Last Thursday my mom was sick and she asked me if I could fill in for her as the Director of Cubbies? (Cubbies is the preschool part of the Awana program at our church) After some coaxing on her part, I finally said yes; after all I knew that she really didn't have anyone else who could step in for her and I still find it hard to say no to my mommy. I had also been the Director 5 years ago, so I pretty much knew what I was doing. So I put on my smiling face and dug deep for some exciting energy and went for it. It was a good night, almost everything went as planned and the kids seem to have fun (that's what really counts). As the evening was coming to an end and we were packing up to leave one of the leaders came up and said you should become the Director next year (after this year, my mom is stepping down as the Director). I just smiled and said no, I have 3 little kids and it would just be too much to do this every week. Then we all left and I went home to bed :)

Well on Sunday morning I was in the middle of worship at church at the Lord spoke "Don't you ever use your kids as an excuse again as to why can't serve Me." To be honest I had totally forgotten about my response until the Lord brought it up. The Lord also reminded me of a verse that my brother and recently sent me. 

Psalm 127:3-5

Behold, children are a gift of the Lord,

The fruit of the womb is a reward.

Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,

So are the children of one's youth.

How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them;

They will not be ashamed

When they speak with their enemies in the gate.

This caught me so off guard, because I didn't even think twice about what I said. I also know that this is not the first time I have done this. So right there in the middle of worship I had to repent and ask for the Lord's forgiveness. 

Children are a gift from the Lord and they are not to be looked upon as a burden or a reason to not serve the Lord, especially when He tells you to serve. I know that I am not called to be the Cubbies Director as of right now. I feel like God is giving me a different path than that, even though there is a need, I don't feel it is my job to fill it. And now I realized that I should have said just that, instead of using my children as the excuse. 

I know as a mother of 3 small children it can become a bit challenging to find a place to serve that works well with your family, but that doesn't mean you can't. If God has laid something on your heart to do then He will make a way for you to do it and He will give you the strength that you need. Phil 4:13 – I can do all this through him who gives me strength. All you have to do is be ready and willing to be used. 

If you are feeling overwhelmed with just the thought of serving here are a few ideas that came to mind, but you need to take some time and pray to make sure you are doing what the Lord wants you to do before diving in to something: Invite a young mom or young wife over to coffee; start a blog (you will be surprised how many people will read it); babysit some else children so they can have a date night; host a small group at your house; volunteer in your child's class at school or at church. I know these things seem simple and its not like you are reaching thousands of people, but numbers isn't what matters. You serving the Lord is the only thing that matters! Even if you are only reaching one person it counts. Let me tell you that one person, could lead to another person, which could lead to another person and another and another and so on. Just start by being obedient to what the Lord has for you and He will take care of the rest!

God has a plan for you! He wants to use you; are you ready to be used? No more excuse, especially not your children!!!

Romans 12:1 - Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship.

What Matters...

Sometimes I get worried about what I say or what I write. I really try hard not to offend anyone with my words. Sometimes I find it hard to always speak exactly what the Lord wants me to say because I'm to worried about the outcome and I DON'T LIKE CONFLICT!!!

Well today I got done reading the book of Jeremiah and that is one man who didn't have any fans because of the words he spoke, but that didn't stop him from speaking God's words. Jeremiah did what was asked of him even though he did it without human approval or belief. What an amazing man! Makes me ask the question that if God gave me a word to speak, would I do it even if I knew no one wanted to hear it or I knew I would offended everyone who did hear it? I would like to say Yes, but to be completely honest, I don't know if I would have the guts to do what Jeremiah did.

After reading Jeremiah, I am realizing that the only thing that matters is if I'm doing or speaking what the Lord has asked of me. I may say or write something that offends someone or they don't agree with what I said, but it is not my job to worry about that. My job is to do or speak what the Lord has requested and then I have to let the Lord do the work. He has to speak to the people that don't like what was said and change their hearts; I can't change them, I can only speak truth. I'm only the Messenger, but He is the Sender and the Author of our Faith. People may get mad, but if I am 100% sure that I did what the Lord asked of me then I have done my job!

I also worry about who will listen or read, but again that is not my place to worry. The Lord knows who He is talking to and the Lord will make sure that the person/people will read or listen to His words. It's not about how many read or listen, it's not about how many people I see respond, all that matters is that I have done the work the Lord has asked of me. Even if I write or speak and only one person responds that's one more then if I didn't obey. The Lord is in the business of saving, changing and loving people and if I can be a vessel that He uses to accomplish His work, then that's what I want to be.

Yes, I may get hurt, yelled at, disagreed with but MY GOD is bigger then any of those things. And one saved soul or a changed heart and the knowledge of knowing that I did what the Lord has asked of me is worth it all!!!

Matthew 28:18-20
Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always to the very end of the age." 

So today, right here, right now, Lord I say use me and help me to speak each and every word that you have for me to say no matter the outcome!!!

Surrendering...

I have 3 beautiful children who are each 22 months apart from each other. How that happened I'm not really sure, we weren't really planning it that way, but that's how it worked out. So when we decided we wanted a 4th child we decided why not, let's go for 22 months again. And sure enough I got pregnant on the dot so my youngest and that unborn child would have been 22 months apart. Well due to my first miscarriage that plan didn't happen. So when we got pregnant again, we figured that our youngest and this unborn child would be about 28 months apart. Not really what we planned, but it wasn't bad. Well when I miscarried for the second time, we found out there were some complications with that pregnancy so I was put under strict instructions from the doctor not to get pregnant for at least 6 months. So now if we did decide to get pregnant again in 6 months, our youngest and the next child to be born would be over 3 years apart. Now I know that a lot of people have their kids 3 or 4 years apart, but that WAS NOT MY PLAN! This was something that I really struggled with. I started wondering if that child would feel like the leftover or the one we weren't planning on? Just because the other 3 are perfectly spaced, in my mind.


One night my husband and I were driving to a friends house and I was expressing my feelings to him and told him that I was ready to do something permanent in the way of birth control. He just looked at me and said "He was not ready to make that decision." For my husband that was huge, I had always been the one ready for the next one and pushing to have "one more". So I then began to protest saying our youngest and the next one would be over 3 years apart and I don't want them to feel like the oops. My husband calming said "They wouldn't be the oops, they would be the one we waited for." I didn't know what else to say so I was quiet the rest of the way. 


Ever since that night over a month ago, my husband's words always came back to me when I am ready to give up on us having another child. Yes, I had always wanted four kids, but did I really want to go through the first trimester symptoms, the non stop worrying until we heard that heartbeat and possible the heartache all over again? That was something I wasn't sure I could handle again. Lately, my husband and I have talked a couple of times about "our plan", but nothing was ever really decided, at least it wasn't in my mind. 


One Wednesday afternoon, I was spending my time with the Lord being real with Him, telling Him how stuck I was, how broken I felt and how I wasn't sure how to continue through this season. The Lord spoke and said "SURRENDER". This was not the first time I had heard Him say that word and daily I was trying to surrender my broken heart, my disappointment, my fear and whatever else I felt that day. So I started praying and surrendering those things to Him again and He stopped me and said "your plan for your family, surrender your plan." I stopped praying and listened as my Heavenly Father continued to speak to this area in my life. "Allow Me to be the Author of your family; allow Me to give you my perfect plan for your family; allow Me to write your story. You need to give me control in this area, you have been shown you can't control what happens. You need to surrender your story and allow me to write my story for your family. My story is perfect! Right there and then I realized that if the Lord blesses us with another child, he or she will not be the oops or the leftover, but they will be the one we waited for. 


Psalms 32:8 I will instruct you and teach in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.

I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all

I'll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

Don't Wait...

The clock read 11:00pm and I had been in bed for about an hour trying to shut off my brain so I could sleep, but sleep wouldn't come. I felt the soft nudging of the Lord "It's time to deal". I knew what He wanted, but I was ready for sleep, it had been a long day emotionally and physically. However, this was not the first time the Lord had prompted me to sit at His feet and be honest with Him. I was planning on it, I really was, I just was busy with life. Actually the day before I had decided that I was going to the Thursday Night Prayer Service, which I felt like would be a good time to start dealing with my 2nd miscarriage. Well I guess planning on "dealing" wasn't good enough for my Heavenly Father, so I finally rolled out of bed, headed downstairs, grabbed my bible, pen, notebook and ipod. I sat down and said I was going to "deal" on Thursday night. The Lord didn't really say anything so I started writing and after about 3 pages of writing, He started to speak. He met me right where I was and spoke to the areas in my heart that were hurting, He brought comfort, strength and truth.

But the Lord wasn't done...He then called me out on my plan of waiting until Thursday night. It was a gentle spirit that came, but at the same time He was very firm with me. He simply said "you don't need an appointment to enter my presence and I should not have to fit into your schedule." 


Because of Jesus Christ we have a new convent with God. We don't have to wait to be called into His presence we can enter them at anytime; if you really stop to think about that it is a marvelous thing!

Hebrews 4:16 says "Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.


If I would have waited till Thursday I would have missed out on a wonderful, personal, comforting experience with My God. I realized that I didn't need the "perfect" moment for My Father to speak to me and to start to heal me. I am learning that when He calls I need to stop and take time with My Lord. The laundry can wait, the kids can watch a movie, the bathroom can be cleaned tomorrow. All of those things are not life changing, but falling on your knees before the Lord when He calls IS.

This late night happened shortly after my D&C, when my body was starting to heal and all the emotions of what just happened started flooding me. I really started struggling with my miscarriage and what I was feeling. I knew the truth, but the devil was doing a wonderful job at attacking and trying to instill lies whenever he could and I was growing weary of fighting him. I needed to be refreshed, renewed and comforted. During this late night meeting the Lord showed me this verse Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always - Ps 105:4. Why did I ever think I could wait until that Thursday to meet with my Heavenly Father?

When you are struggling, going through a storm, being attacked by our enemy or are just weary there is no better time to enter the presence of the Lord. We have the authority to enter God's presence at anytime so why wait until church on Sunday or a prayer service on Thursday or a bible study on Wednesday? Don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with church. My family and I go every Sunday (we can); joining with other believers to worship and learn about God is much needed in our spiritual walk. What I am saying is we don't have to wait for those special days to enter the presence of the King of Kings, to be comforted, to be renewed, to be restored, to feel loved, and to find truth. He will meet you wherever you are, you just have to have to take the time to meet Him. I can guarantee if you take the time, you will not be disappointed and it will not be a waste.

Broken...

"Broken I come to you, for I know your arms are open wide."

I am broken! I am stuck! I am disappointed!

And here I sit, not sure where to go from here or how to get unstuck, but right now I'm ok with that, because I have been given freedom in knowing that it is ok for me to broken, to be stuck, to be disappointed. The Lord has met me where I am and He has given me comfort. He continues to speak to me and teach me. I know that my God is with me during this storm and He will never let go of me. The Lord has promised that He will restore me and that I will have peace and joy again, but until that day I will trust God that He will supply everything that I lack during this season in my life. I may be stuck for awhile but I'm choosing to surrender my brokeness, my disappointment and allow the Lord to meet me right where I'm at.

Lamentations 3:33 - For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.


I am not angry! I am not confused! I am not looking for answers!

I know my God didn't do this, I know this was not His plan and I don't need a reason why this happened. There may or may not be an answer to why to I miscarried again, but to be honest I don't want or need an answer right now. I know that my God is bigger then any medical answer or percentages or any other reason I have been given. I know that He could have changed the outcome of this pregnancy, but He didn't and for right now all I can do is accept that.

Psalms 34:18 - The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and save those who are crushed in spirit.

I am grieving! I am processing! I am surviving!

Grief is one of those emotions that affects everyone differently and everyone processes loss differently. I am one of those people that just needs to know that others are praying; that I have a shoulder to cry on when I need one. I am not doubting my faith, I know that my God loves me and I know that I will see my children in heaven, but for right now I am grieving. I have my good days and I have the days that I am just surviving, but whatever day it is my God is with me and He wraps His arms around me and speaks truth to me.

My God says "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you" - Hebrews 12:5

I will come out of this and some how, some way God will turn this in to something good, but until then I hold on to the promises and the truths of God. I take His hand and we will take one step at a time.

Blessings in the Midst of Heartache...

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. - James 1:17

Sometimes it takes losing someone or something to really see what is right in front of you.

I am in the middle of miscarrying my 2nd child in five months. I found out I was pregnant on December 17th and was thrilled with knowing that I was given another chance to have a baby. Well on February 3rd I had an ultrasound that resulted in the fact there was no heartbeat. I was devastated! I was having another miscarriage and I didn't know why. But through my questions, another broken heart and disbelief, the Lord met me once again. He has brought comfort and reassures that He is still in control. He has also given me strong Christians to walk through this with. They have cried with me, hugged me, listened to me and spoke truth to me. He is a faithful God even in the darkness!

One of the things that Lord has really shown me through this process is how blessed I am. I have a wonderful husband, who works hard, loves me and loves our kids. I have 3 beautiful children on earth with me and 2 sweet children that I can't wait to meet one day. I have great family support and love. I have a cherished community of friends that love the Lord and me. I have to say I am one blessed lady. My life may seem like the norm, but I don't want to live like it is the norm. I want to live thanking God for every treasure He has given to me.

The Lord has provided me with so much and I have so much to be thankful for. My pain and hurt had caused me to overlook what the Lord has blessed me with. My God is such a faithful God and it is so evident in my life. It is really hard for me to admit that I have taken so much of what the Lord has blessed me with for granted. It is also sad for me to say that it took losing another baby to really grasp what the Lord has blessed me with. The Lord opened my eyes and showed me all the people in my life that love me, that are here for me, that would do anything I asked, that have offered to help out anyway they can. I am so blessed to have so many beautiful people in my life. My heart overflows with thankfulness and love for these people. Yes, this path I must walk is not an easy one, but I would rather walk this path with the people that the Lord has placed in my life then by myself.

So today I want to start living in an awe of what the Lord has blessed me with; I want to take each day and thank the Living God for all the good and perfect gifts He has blessed me with.  I have decided that today is the day that I will cherish every moment the Lord gives me here on earth. I will use my time to honor my Lord by learning how to be a better wife, mother, daughter and friend. My God is such a good God that He deserves all our praises and thanksgiving.

Will you join me today is being thankful for the blessings that the Lord has poured out upon you? Even if you are in the midst of a struggle or a trial, stop looking at all the evil and hurt around you and cast your eyes upon the perfect gifts the Lord has put in your life to walk this through with you.

Being Free to Be Real...

Last Saturday, I spoke at a workshop for a women's conference at my church. I have never really did any public speaking before. I am the behind the scenes person. I am great at organizing and telling others what to do, but I usually don't get up in front of people and share. About 2 months ago the Women's Pastor at my church asked if I would pray about doing a 45 minute workshop for the conference. The Lord spoke to be right away and said that I was to do this. So I took a leap of faith and shared my heart. I obeyed and the Lord showed up. It was by His power that I was able to do what was asked of me and because I did lives where touched.


I wanted to share with you what the Lord shared with the ladies on Saturday. May you be blessed and may the Lord speak through this to you. 


I started off with My Story...


One September, Sunday morning I was sitting in church during worship, trying to convince myself that nothing was wrong and that the tears flowing down my face didn’t mean anything. But then my pastor led us in a song talking about our Creator and that’s when it hit me. I wasn’t ok, in fact I was a mess and the tears were for my broken heart.

This was not just any Sunday morning this was exactly one week after I had miscarried. I had already given birth to 3 beautiful children with no complications and when we found out that we were pregnant with our 4^th child, we expected nothing less then a healthy pregnancy ending in a baby that we would hold and love. We told all our family and friends when I was about 8 weeks along, which we were expecting. Then about 10 weeks into my pregnancy I had an appointment with my midwife. During the appointment she did a basic ultrasound and found out that our baby was not looking well. After a visit to the ER a day later, we were given the news that our baby died about 2 weeks earlier. Within days I started the miscarriage process, which took about a week. During that week I was so caught up in the physical pain and the process my body was going through that I started coming up with excuses why I was “fine” with losing my baby; 1) I didn’t feel attached to this baby 2) I would go a whole day and not remember I was pregnant 3) Something about this pregnancy was just different 4) Better me then some of the other ladies I knew that were pregnant for the first time. Now those maybe all true, but any and all of those reasons didn’t make me “fine” for losing a baby. And it wasn’t until I was seating in church that Sunday morning that I realized that I wasn’t “fine!”

I couldn’t hold it together, the tears were streaming down my face and all I could think about was how my Creator could create this baby and then let this baby die? So I walked out in the middle of worship looking for a particular lady to talk with. As I walked out the sanctuary doors, this lady walked right in front of me. I called her name; she came over and hugged me as I wept. She took me into the office were I confessed to her that I was mad at God for taking my baby, I didn’t understand why this had happened and I really didn’t know how to deal with this.  She talked a bit, let me cry and most importantly prayed for me. I felt better, but I still wasn’t “fine”. My healing process had started, but it wasn’t over, not even close.

The next day the Lord spoke to me and said I needed to go to our Healing Prayer Service at church on Thursday. I was very hesitant in going, I knew I needed to, but I kept coming up with reasons why I didn’t want to go or wasn’t able to. So Thursday night came and went and I had not listened. During the next week I kept my distance from the Lord, because I knew what He was going to say and I didn’t really want to hear it. Finally the next Thursday came and I knew without a doubt that the Lord was telling me, not asking me, but telling me to go to prayer. Now let me tell you that the Lord and I weren’t on very good speaking terms or at least I wasn’t doing much talking to Him in the last couple of weeks. I was so hurt, confused and angry that I didn’t really want to talk to God. I grew up in the church and I heard that you are not suppose to be angry at God. Well let me tell you for the first time in my life I was angry with God and I didn’t know how to handle it. So I thought it would be better if He didn’t know that I was angry, so I kept my distance from Him. Looking back was a huge mistake, but I didn’t learn that until I listened to God that Thursday night and went to the Prayer Service.

The Prayer Service starts out in the Sanctuary with worship, which I couldn’t make it though without shedding a few tears. Then they ask if you are here for Healing Prayer to stand and they stay a quick prayer over you and then send you to the Chapel. I sat down in a pew and was handed a piece of paper to write down my prayer request. As I was writing my dad came and sat down next to me, put his arm around me and just held me as I started crying once again.  The Pastor in charge walked around and collected all the prayer requests. Once I handed him my request I sat and waited for my name to be called. My name was the first to be called, I stood up and the Pastor handed my paper back and pointed me toward a group of 3 ladies. I walked up, handed them my prayer request paper and just stood there, not sure what to expect or what to say. As the lead lady took my paper she read it and then just asked me if she could hug me. I nodded and started sobbing. All three ladies started praying in the spirit and the presence of the Lord came quickly.

As I was standing there in the presence of the Lord a word came that spoke right to my heart “God is grieving too. He DID NOT want this to happen. This was not His will. He did not do this!” Those words showed me the Lord’s heart for me and it started to melt away the anger I had, but I knew that I needed to express my anger so when there was a break in the prayers I asked God “why?” I turned my face upwards and I said, “God, I don’t understand! Why did you let my baby die? Was this something I deserved? Why did you create my baby and then let it die?” Through one of the ladies the Lord spoke again “I am not punishing you, this is not because of something you did or didn’t do. You are a wonderful mother.” Again I knew I was healing, but I also knew it still wasn’t over. For the next two days I had to really focus on those words that had came on Thursday night. Every time I started to feel that anger dwell up in me I would remember the words and focus on the Lord’s heart for me.

The following Sunday I am in the middle of worship with a few tears running down my face, but something was different inside of me. This Sunday I could stand up and sing the words of the songs being sung and mean them with all my heart. There the Lord met me again and spoke these words softly to me “Trust me in this area and I will make you whole and bless you. I am with you; you don’t have to walk through this alone. Lean on me, let me carry through this. I did not do this! This is not my plan!” As I stood their listening to the Lord, the worship leader started singing “I say Yes, I say Yes, to you. I say Yes, I say Yes to you.” Right then and there I opened up my heart to the Lord so that He could completely heal me and so I could trust Him again in this area of my life. There are still days that I get scared about being pregnant or I wonder why I lost my baby, but then I stop and say Yes to God, Yes that I will trust Him in this area and that I will not live in fear. 

This is what the Lord has shown me through my healing process...

1)  Being Real with Myself – In the midst of my miscarriage I started coming up with lies to why I was “fine.” I also didn’t allow myself to really process what was going on with my body. I kept myself so busy with every day life, my 3 kids, cleaning, laundry...you name it I probably did it. It wasn’t until I was still and had nothing to “go and do” that I realized that I wasn’t “fine”. I had to accept what had happened and I had to accept that I wasn’t ok. The Lord can’t move, speak or heal when you are not real with yourself that something is wrong. 

2)  Being Real with God – After you become honest with yourself, you need to become honest with God. God knew that I wasn’t “fine”, He knew I was hurting and it was ok for me to tell Him. And when I finally did open up and become real with my Father I didn’t get an answer or a reason, but the Lord did comfort me and He spoke these words to me “Trust Me!” We may not get the answer or reason we are looking for, but the Lord will speak to you and He will heal you if you open up and allow Him in. God knows your heart.

King David is speaking to his son, Solomon, who was going to be the next king and King David says in 1 Chronicles 28:9 - “And you, my son Solomon, acknowledge the God of your father, and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the LORD searches every heart and understands every desire and every thought. If you seek him, he will be found by you; but if you forsake him, he will reject you forever

Nothing you say will be a surprise to him. He knows you’re angry, He knows your hurting, He knows you are lost, He knows your afraid....HE KNOWS WHERE YOU ARE, but you NEED to say it to Him. You need to become naked before the Lord, letting down all guards and be honest with Him. Tell Him you are angry, tell Him what hurts, tell Him you can’t find your way, tell Him what you are afraid, but most of all speak to Him! We won’t be mad, He wants you to be real with Him so that He can move in that area, I really believe when you are real before the Lord He will show you His heart for you and that He is a true loving, caring God and He wants to heal you and set you free from the anger, confusion, and mistrust and hurt.

3)  Being Real with Others – Galatians 6:2
 says “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” After you have become real with yourself and real with God you need to share your burdens, hurts, and fears with someone that will allow you to be real. You need to have others praying for you and encouraging you. We are not designed to walk through life alone, so don’t. Allow someone else to walk beside you and help you carry your burden. You have to pick carefully the people you are real with. I knew that I would be safe to share with the lady from church and with the ladies in the prayer meeting. I knew they would allow me to express what I was feeling and they wouldn’t just come up with nice things to say to make me feel better. But I knew that each one of those ladies would listen, give me freedom to speak what I felt, and then they would pray with me and speak truth to me.

4)  Why Do Bad Things Happen? – I don’t know and I don’t understand when they do. But I know that Jesus did tell us we would have troubles. “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” - John 16:33. I can also tell you that we live in a fallen world and there is a devil and his job is to steal, kill and destroy. This was not God’s design for us. Our Father in heaven didn’t design us to have a sinful nature, but due to the fall in the Garden of Eden, this is now life. We live in a very sinful world and bad things happen to everyone, even those that follow the Lord Jesus Christ. When bad things happen to us, we as believers have a choice, we can choose to live in anger, turn away from God and blame Him for our pain or we can file our questions in “to be answer later file” and trust God that He is in control. The Lord’s heart for you during hard times is He grieves with you, the works of the enemy saddens Him, He may have allowed it to happen, but He did not do it. You are not going through this because you deserve to, it is just all part of us living in a fallen world.

5)  Why do I know I can Trust God? – I know that I can trust God, because I can look back over my life and I see God’s hand and He has never let me down. I have trusted Him with my marriage, with my kids, financially and in some many other areas and in each area He has always been faithful. I bet if you look back over your life you have your own reasons on why God is trustworthy.

Psalms 103:8-17 & 145:13-20 describes the Lord and even when bad things happen we must hold onto the truths and promises of the Lord.

Psalms 103:8-17 - The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. The life of mortals is like grass, they flourish like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more. But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD’s love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children’s children

Psalms 145:13-20 - Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom, and your dominion endures through all generations. The LORD is trustworthy in all he promises and faithful in all he does. The LORD upholds all who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food at the proper time. You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing. The LORD is righteous in all his ways and faithful in all he does. The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them. The LORD watches over all who love him, but all the wicked he will destroy.

Conclusion

 There is a verse that people like to often quote after something bad has happened.

Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

During the process of my miscarriage I was not in a place where I wanted to trust the Lord because I did not understand why this was happening. But faith isn’t about us always understanding and seeing, but it’s about us believing even when things don’t make since. I don’t understand why I lost my baby and I will probably not know until I see my God face to face, but I do know that I NEEDED to trust in the Lord with all my heart, so I won’t live in fear or in the land of why.  That is a dangerous place to be, because if you are there you can’t keep going, you can’t be healed and the Lord can’t do His work in your life. The only way I knew to keep going and not get stuck was to trust God. Was it easy? No, but I did it and because I trusted Him, the Lord showed His faithfulness to me time and time again. Through this process the Lord has also shown me His heart for me in a new way. My Father in heaven LOVES me with an everlasting love. He wants me to have the desires of my heart. He grieves with me with I face hard times, He rejoices with me when there is a celebration. He watches over me and protects me. With as many people as there is in the world God still knows how many hairs are on my head and He loves me like I am the only one in the world. That is one amazing God! His Love is real and He really does want the best for you and me.

There is a worship song that talks about being undone in the Lord’s presences and to me it is talking about letting God see you, really you. Be real before God, the good, the bad and the ugly. Are you “undone” in His presences? Or are you afraid that if you became “undone” others would see that you don’t have it all together and that God would be upset with you because of something He sees in your heart. Well let me tell you that even though you are not being honest with God, He already knows. To be real with God or others you have to be real with yourself. It starts with you.

The Lord is a God that is good, holy, righteous, beautiful, glorious, compassionate, rich in love, mighty, powerful, trustworthy, and faithful. And if you are at a point right now that it is really hard for you to trust God in a certain area or sing to Him because the words of the songs are to hard to say or you are just stuck and can’t seem to move forward with your walk with God, then I want you to just be real with Him and tell Him where you are. Tell Him you are not ok, trust me, He won’t be surprised. Then I want you to take a step of faith and trust God with this issue. Open up your heart to Him so He can show you His heart for you during this season in your life. The Lord is with you and He wants to speak to you, He wants to have an intimate relationship with you.  So allow your self to be undone in His presence.