Surrendering...

I have 3 beautiful children who are each 22 months apart from each other. How that happened I'm not really sure, we weren't really planning it that way, but that's how it worked out. So when we decided we wanted a 4th child we decided why not, let's go for 22 months again. And sure enough I got pregnant on the dot so my youngest and that unborn child would have been 22 months apart. Well due to my first miscarriage that plan didn't happen. So when we got pregnant again, we figured that our youngest and this unborn child would be about 28 months apart. Not really what we planned, but it wasn't bad. Well when I miscarried for the second time, we found out there were some complications with that pregnancy so I was put under strict instructions from the doctor not to get pregnant for at least 6 months. So now if we did decide to get pregnant again in 6 months, our youngest and the next child to be born would be over 3 years apart. Now I know that a lot of people have their kids 3 or 4 years apart, but that WAS NOT MY PLAN! This was something that I really struggled with. I started wondering if that child would feel like the leftover or the one we weren't planning on? Just because the other 3 are perfectly spaced, in my mind.


One night my husband and I were driving to a friends house and I was expressing my feelings to him and told him that I was ready to do something permanent in the way of birth control. He just looked at me and said "He was not ready to make that decision." For my husband that was huge, I had always been the one ready for the next one and pushing to have "one more". So I then began to protest saying our youngest and the next one would be over 3 years apart and I don't want them to feel like the oops. My husband calming said "They wouldn't be the oops, they would be the one we waited for." I didn't know what else to say so I was quiet the rest of the way. 


Ever since that night over a month ago, my husband's words always came back to me when I am ready to give up on us having another child. Yes, I had always wanted four kids, but did I really want to go through the first trimester symptoms, the non stop worrying until we heard that heartbeat and possible the heartache all over again? That was something I wasn't sure I could handle again. Lately, my husband and I have talked a couple of times about "our plan", but nothing was ever really decided, at least it wasn't in my mind. 


One Wednesday afternoon, I was spending my time with the Lord being real with Him, telling Him how stuck I was, how broken I felt and how I wasn't sure how to continue through this season. The Lord spoke and said "SURRENDER". This was not the first time I had heard Him say that word and daily I was trying to surrender my broken heart, my disappointment, my fear and whatever else I felt that day. So I started praying and surrendering those things to Him again and He stopped me and said "your plan for your family, surrender your plan." I stopped praying and listened as my Heavenly Father continued to speak to this area in my life. "Allow Me to be the Author of your family; allow Me to give you my perfect plan for your family; allow Me to write your story. You need to give me control in this area, you have been shown you can't control what happens. You need to surrender your story and allow me to write my story for your family. My story is perfect! Right there and then I realized that if the Lord blesses us with another child, he or she will not be the oops or the leftover, but they will be the one we waited for. 


Psalms 32:8 I will instruct you and teach in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.

I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all

I'll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours