Walking through...

Having no control over what I was going through physically and emotionally was probably the hardest thing for me. I wanted to feel better and fast! I knew that if I could find something that I could control I would feel better. So the one thing I found that I could control was my hair, so I dyed it dark brown and cut it shorter then it has been since I was a kid. I needed to have control over something and my hair was the only thing that I felt like I could control. Did I feel better? Not really, but I looked cute!!! I also tried shopping therapy to get me through this tough time, but I came home feeling just as bad as when I left. My husband then asked if I was returning the things I just purchased, because it didn't help? I said no, I may feel bad, but the things I bought were cute :)! I think he was glad that it didn't help cause now that won't be my default when I am not feeling good. 


So by this point I had realized that I had tried worldly things to make me feel better and it wasn't working, so what was next? Well, Thursday night prayer at my church kept popping up in my head. Even though I didn't really want to, I knew that I NEEDED to go. Boy, was I glad that I went. The Lord met me right there and spoke some words that I need to hear so I could start to heal. I was assign to a couple of ladies and after handing them the card of what I wanted prayer for one the of the ladies just stepped up and said "No need to talk, I'm just going to hug you." She put her arms around me and just held me while I weeped. I felt safe, I felt like I could let my guard down and the I'm ok face and just be raw before God. I am not going to lie...I WAS angry at God! I just didn't understand why He created this baby, if He was going to allow it to die. The 3 ladies started to pray over me and I just felt the Spirit of the Lord fall on me. One of the ladies said "God is grieving too, He did not want this to happen. This was not His will!!!" Those words stung so deep into my soul. I had been told a couple of time and had heard it before when my best friend miscarried, that it may have been a blessing, that something may have been wrong with the baby. But after hearing those words I knew that it was NOT God's plan and He is grieving too; there may have been nothing wrong with my baby or my best friend's baby. We live in a fallen world and there is a devil and his job is to kill, steal and destroy. The devil did that to my baby, NOT the Lord, but the devil. So I don't believe there was a blessing in losing my baby, I believe that it was something that happened because we live in a world where there is sin. I DO believe that my baby is up in heaven and I wait for the day that I get to hold my baby. 


What about the question "WHY?" Yes, I will always have that question, but I know that my baby is safe and in a wonderful place. I know that I will get to meet my baby and spend eternity with my baby and that is what I hold on to. I can't live my life wondering why. I would drive myself crazy. I have a wonderful husband and 3 fantastic kids; I have to move on knowing that my life is not over. I am still here to live a full life with my husband, to teach my kids about Jesus and to share what God has done in my life with others. My life isn't over because my baby went to heaven before I did. 


Moving on is not always easy. Some may say if you move on you may forget, but I don't believe that. I will never forget my baby that was only 8 weeks when it went to be with Jesus. You can't live in the past, you have to move forward. Your life isn't over there are so many things God has left for all us to do.