Let's go backwards a lil bit...

I will always remember July 22, 2010 it was one of those great/horrible days all wrapped up into one. July 22nd was the day I found out I was pregnant with my 4th child, but it was also the day I found out my best friend's unborn baby was without a heartbeat. I cried so hard for her and her family. The question "WHY?" kept replaying in my mind. Then I thought about my unborn child and wondered "Why was I pregnant and she wasn't?", "Why was God allowing this to happen?". I felt guilty for being pregnant and I wasn't sure if I really even wanted to be pregnant. This was something that I really struggled with and I didn't understand. Later that week during a time with God I had to realize that I would probably not get my answers until I saw God face to face. I had NO control over the situation and I had to trust God to be in control over the situation, even though I didn't like it. 


During this life we will go through situations that don't make any since and we don't understand why, but we have to remember that God is ALWAYS in control and I am so grateful for that.


Well let's skip ahead a few weeks...
On Monday, August 30th my husband and I were headed to an appointment with our midwife and I was really nervous. I just figured I was excited to see the first ultrasound of our 4th baby. Well when she pulled up our baby on the screen, she could tell that something was wrong. I was suppose to be about 10 weeks along and she said the baby looked more like a 6 or 7 week old baby. Our midwife decided to send us to doctor for a more in-depth ultrasound, but I couldn't make the appointment until Tuesday morning. So we drove home in silence; I felt like it was all a dream and I just wanted to wake up. We got home and I started folding clothes and cleaning my house. I couldn't control the situation, but I could control how my house looked. I was a mess!!! All night I tried to convince myself that maybe my dates were off and maybe I was only 7 weeks pregnant. The next morning I called the doctor and the earliest they could see us was Thursday afternoon, I thought I was going to go crazy. I then got in contact with one of my good friends, who is also an ER nurse for some direction. After talking with her, my husband and I decided to go visit her in the ER that night. After having the ultrasound and waiting for the Radiologist to read the results, the doctor came in and told us that we had lost our baby. The baby had actually died about 2 weeks ago and all I could think of is what happened two weeks ago...did I fall? did I feel something? WHAT HAPPENED??? I cried most of the way home and the same question I had 6 weeks ago came back "WHY?". Well by the following day I had started bleeding and cramping. I ended up miscarrying over the first weekend in September. As I look back over that week I can totally see the Lord's hand in the situation. He was right there walking beside us, but does that make it easier? Well I tired to convince myself it did. I tried to convince myself that I wasn't that attached to the baby and it was better for it to happen to me then some of my friends who were pregnant for the first time, but did that help...NO!!! I tried to act like it was just something that happened and that I was going to be ok, but that didn't help either. I even went to church the following weekend, but started crying half way through worship and couldn't stop. I was hurting so much! I was so angry and confused; then I realized that if I didn't face this I wasn't going to be ok. 


Sometimes, especially for me it is just easier to walk around a problem, especially if is a problem that I can't fix or control. But through this process God really showed me that I needed to walk right through this. That my life was going to be a mess until I really dealt with this situation head on. I would rather have put a band aid on it and put my happy face on and told everyone that I was fine, things were good and that I was going to be ok. But deep down I knew that was a lie and that I was hurting me and my family by doing that. The more I put off dealing with it, the more issues came up that were not just affecting me. I was scared and I didn't know how to walk through this, I just knew that I HAD to.


Is there something in your life that you have put a band aid on? Whether it be a HUGE situation or just a little one. Is it time to take off the band aid and deal with the issue? God wants to heal you, He does not want His children suffering. It is time for you to walk through your situation because it is just not affecting you, but everyone that loves you!!! God will be there with you, He will never leave you!! He wants to set you free from hurt and burdens that you DON'T have to carry. Take His hand and walk straight ahead!