Pull Back or Press Forward...

During the past 10 months I have been broken, hurt, angry, scared, confused, frustrated, grief stricken, and worried. But I have also been healed, hopeful, excited, and at peace during those same 10 months. Even today as I write this, I am hurting, confused, not sure what's next and am praying everyday for guidance and peace. During the different trials of the past 10 months I have learned one important thing, that with each trail I HAVE had to make a choice. Gary Thomas says it best in his book Scared Marriage "We can give in to our hurt, resentment and bitterness or we can grow as a Christian and learn yet another important lesson on how to forgive."

I would normally classify myself as a runner (not in the literal since) but in the since of I DON'T like conflict. I don't like to hurt, to feel helpless, to just feel lost. I LIKE PEACE!!! When hard times or problems come my way I usually pull back, turn around and walk the other direction. But in the past year pulling back from my trials didn't really seem like an option. I mean I could of but I would have walked away from my God, hurt my family and friends and caused so much more pain in my life. So I did the only thing that made since at the time; I pressed forward, clinging on to God with every step. During each trial God walked every step of the way with me, He revealed His love and favor to me over and over, He grew my faith and changed the way I look at my life and the people in it.

Today, I am again met with the same choice. I have a choice to pull back, guard my heart and put up walls around myself or I can choose to press forward, forgive and open up my heart once again. Everything in my flesh wants to pull back, ignore and move on with my life, but everything in my aching heart wants to press forward, forgive and extent grace. Either way there is hurt that I will endure. I can press down all I am feeling and just move on, but those feelings will always be there, nothing will be resolved and bitterness will start to take root in my heart. Or I can choose to press forward and forgive, but even then it will not be an easy process because "Forgivness is achingly difficult...it is an unnatural act," Philip Yancey What's So Amazing About Grace?  I can either feel the hurt of pulling back or I can feel the hurt of pressing forward, but I do know that when I press forward and do what the Lord has asked of me, I will find peace once again.

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times," Matthew 18:21-22

Pressing forward is not easy and most of the time it takes a daily decision to keep going and to not give up; but I know that I can because God will walk every step along with me!

Standards...

Has there ever been a time when you don't feel like you meet standards? Now these could be standards you have put before you or these could be standards of a friend.

Well I am in that place, actually I think I have been in that place for awhile now. I feel my house is never as clean as I would like it and there are always never ending piles of laundry and dishes. There always seems to be something that needs to be organized or taken care of. I just feel like my life is constantly playing "catch-up". Just when I feel like one task is completed, there is always something else around the corner. I can never feel like I can get ahead. But it doesn't stop at material things it also goes right into relationships and parenting. After being married for 9 years I still struggle with a couple of issues that came up when we first got married. As much as I work on them, they are still areas that don't come easy for me and I seem to kick myself every time one of those areas come up. I know there are things that I need to work on to be a better parent. I feel like I don't spend enough quality time with my kids, somedays they watch to much tv, I loose my patience with my kids and end up yelling at my kids too much and the list goes on and on.

Just even writing this I feel somewhat like a failure. I have expectations and standards that I have given myself or I have felt from others that I don't meet. I feel like I sometimes get so stuck, because all I can see are the things I'm not doing right that doing anything overwhelms me. It is easier for me to sit and dwell on all my mistakes, failures, not met standards/expectations, or things that need to be done then to work on something that I could succeed

Today, during my quiet time with the Lord, I started writing how I was feeling and how I just felt like I could never meet the standards I had in my life. The Lord showed me, during this time that I was too focused on my weakness and my failures to see my strengths and accomplishments. Then He reminded me of something my Pastor said a couple weeks ago "we need to focus on our strengths and develop those gifts that God has given us, instead of trying to improve our weakness. The Potter has made me a certain way, I can't change that, so I need to accept who He has made me to be." The Lord reminded me to focus on my strengths and the gifts He has given me. Where I am weak, He is strong and He will help me in my weaknesses. Instead of getting so upset over all that I do wrong, the Lord wants me to focus on the things I do right. I am not and will not be good at everything, but there are somethings I do well. Those are the things I need to work on and not get so hung up every time I fail at something.

I realized that the standards/expectations that I felt in my life were not from God. They were put there by myself or others (even without them realizing it). God spoke to me and said "You have allowed standards/expectations to be put in your life that are not mine. I give you grace for when you fail or stumble AND you need to give yourself grace for you fail or stumble. Allow yourself to breath and make mistakes, to not be the perfect wife, mother, friend and daughter. You are the one beating yourself up, not me!"


2 Corinthians 12:9 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness...For when I am weak, then I am strong." 


Zechariah 4:6 "Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit says the Lord."


I am human, I make mistakes, I have weaknesses and some of them can be really ugly, but I also have some beautiful strengths that the Lord has blessed me with. I need to remember to focus on my strengths and NOT my weaknesses. I need to remember that God gives me grace and I need to give myself grace. I will never be the perfect wife, mother, cook or housekeeper but I don't have to be! The only standards that NEED to matter in my life are God's standards for my life. I think the most beautiful thing the Lord showed me today was His standards keep rising for me. The more I grow in Him and the more I realize who He is, the standards He has for me rise, but they never rise out of reach.

His Peace...

For the past 6 weeks I have felt like I have been riding a roller coaster with LOTS of drops and turns. When life finally seems to calm down and things seem to be getting back to "normal", I am faced with another 20 feet drop with a big twist at the end and it throws me off balance again.  After dealing with all the physical, spiritual and emotional stuff of the past 6 weeks, I am pretty spent. Life continues to go on, but I feel like I am just stuck in a place of the unknown. Unknown of what is to come, unknown of how to deal with my current situations, unknown of how to express where I am and what I am feeling. Because of all that has been going on I have let my mind go and it has been on a roller coaster ride of its own. I have thought of the best scenarios for each situation but I have also let my mind come up with the worst scenarios imaginable and my emotions have been along for the ride. I have let my mind get so far away from me that I feel so out of control.

On Monday during my quiet time with the Lord, I just started writing. I wrote down all my fears, my confusion, my anxiety, my hurt and anything else that has been on my mind the last few weeks. After a few pages of writing, the Lord spoke and gave me this verse "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be trouble and do not be afraid," John 14:27. Then I just started praying for the Lord's peace in my life and over every situation. He then lead me to 1 Peter 3:11 "...he must seek peace and pursue it." Which reminded me that I have to desire peace in my life, I have to strive for peace and allow God to give me the peace He so wants me to have. For the last two days I have been trying to seek peace and to allow God's peace to over come my thoughts, my worries, my anxiety, my confusion and my hurts, but it has not been easy. Just when I feel peace comes, my mind starts to wonder and I feel myself starting to get lost in all of it once again.

This morning the Lord reminded me of Ephesians 6:12 "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." The devil would love for me to live in a state of confusion, the unknown, the stress, anxiety, and hurt that I have been so wrapped up in. He would love to keep me there; however, the Lord has called me to fight against the evil one, but He has also equipped me to do so. God lead me to these verses to help me in my battle. "For through we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ," 2 Corinthians 10:3-5. My job in this fight is to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ. God has not called me to live in my current state of mind, He wants me to live free of my anxiety, my hurt, my confusion, the unknown. He wants me to live in His peace that is why He left it for me. He didn't leave it as a nice gift or thought, He left it so I would take His peace and live in it. He does not want my heart to be troubled with the things of this world. In the end this world and all of its troubles will fade away, but God's peace will remain. I have to choose to take control of my mind and take it off the roller coaster, that is has been on. I have to follow the Lord's instructions in 1 Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."


I have a choice...
I can choose to live in fear, anxiety, hurt, confusion, worried about the unknown. I can allow my thoughts to rule my life to keep me from all the plans and healing God has for me. To letting my situations and the worries of this worry to keep me in a state of feeling lost and paralyzed.
OR
I can take captive every thought that I have and stop my mind from wondering to the unthinkable. To give God my fear, anxiety, hurt, confusion, worries about the unknown. Allowing Him to give me His peace and His healing. To focus on who God is the plans He has for me.

Just asking for God's peace is not enough you have to pursue it, you have to allow your mind to dwell on His peace and not the current situation. You have to take control of your mind and you have to seek His peace and when do you will find it!!!

He Never Left...

Our last two Mondays have been filled with experiences that I NEVER want to experience again! 


Two Mondays ago my husband arrived home at 4:30pm and we all settled down on the couch to watch a movie with the kids, since my younger two had not been feeling well most of the day. With in about 5 minutes into the movie I looked down at my 2 year old who was snuggling up with me and noticed her lips had turned purple. I sat up and quickly realized she wasn't breathing. I handed her to my husband who then laid her on the floor and he told me to call 911. I dialed with my handshaking and my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest. As I told the operator what was going on, where we lived and my phone number I watched my husband trying to get my daughter to respond after she continue to not breath he gave her two breaths. After those breaths, my daughter threw up and started breathing again. Shortly after that the paramedics showed up and got right down to business. Taking her stats, asking questions and trying to figure out what just happened. Then they all agreed that she had a Febrile Seizure, meaning her body temperature spiked faster then her little body could handle. They reassured us this was a normal reaction for a 2 year old with a fast temperature spike. We all agreed that we would feel comfortable staying home and watching her. Well with in 10-15 minutes of them leaving our daughter had another seizure, this time she started convulsing and her eyes rolled back. My mother-in-law showed up and as soon as she walked through the door she began praying, while I dialed 911 again. My mom then showed up and was able to help calm our other 2 children as we waited for the paramedics to come back. They arrived in about 5 minutes and by that time she had stopped the convulsions, but looked to be unconscious. Again the paramedics asked questions, took her stats and asked what we would like to do. By this time I was pretty freaked out and really didn't know what to do and my husband was ready to take her to the hospital. The Paramedic that seemed to be in charged reassured us that again her temp spiked to fast and this was her body's reaction. She let us know what would happen if we took our daughter to the hospital, but she also felt that if we could get her some medicine to get the fever under control we would probably be ok to just stay home with her, but it was up to us. We decided on staying home and I slept on the couch with her that night, terrified it would happen again, but thankfully it didn't. 


The rest of our week was filled with all 3 kids getting fevers and the stomach flu. It was a long week of restless nights, TONS of laundry and a week with cartoons and movies. Finally Saturday morning came, the sun was out and everyone seemed healthy. So after a busy weekend the next Monday came and all I could think about was getting life back to normal. Well that was a short lived thought.


Last Monday morning started off to be pretty normal. After everyone woke up breakfast was served, everyone got dressed and brushed their teeth, laundry was started, so far so good. And then our family dog of almost 5 years (which we had him since he was a puppy) bit my son in the face. I didn't see the incident, but I heard it and by the time I had gotten to my son and he was bleeding and crying. I clean up the cuts, text my husband and the dog spent the rest of the day in his crate or outside. That was it, as good as a dog he was and there were times he wasn't so good, but it didn't really matter now I wanted that dog out of my house. After looking at all our options, we finally took the dog up to my inlaws until we could figure out exactly what to do with him. Well through my mother-in-law's friend we were able to find the dog a good home, with no kids.


Now what to do about my son's face. I did what I knew what to do or what I thought would be best, but it just seemed to be not getting any better. So I got in contact with one of my good friends who is also a nurse and asked her opinion. After getting a picture message of my sons face that I texted her she advised me to take him to the doctor. I was able to get an appointment that day and he was on antibiotics by late afternoon. His face is getting better, I just feel so bad that this happened to him. He loved that dog and just wanted to pet him. 


So I have officially decided that I DON'T like Mondays and am thinking of erasing them from my calendar. I think two Saturdays sound good to me :)


Yesterday I was praying and reading my bible and I began to think about all the events of the last 10 days. I have come to the conclusion that all the things that happened could be attacks from the devil. About 3 weeks ago I stepped out in faith and spoke to the women from our Women's Retreat and 2 weeks before that spoke to the high school youth group. I am now starting to really understand why we should continue praying even after we have taken our step of faith. We may feel our job is done, but that doesn't mean the devil won't "reward" us for trusting God and doing what He has asked of us. But even in the midst of what I feel like are attacks on my family I have seen God's hand upon us and I know that He never left. Through the last year my confidence has grown in the Lord and I know we may have to walk through horrible things in this lifetime, but I have confidence in my God that He will walk right next to me, He will protect me and my family and He will help me to overcome and turn to good what the devil has intended for evil. 


Proverbs 3:26 "for the Lord will be your confidence..." 


Joshua 1:5 "...I will never leave you nor forsake you."


Through these last 10 days I have seen God's hand on my family...

• My husband had been home maybe 10 minutes before my daughter's first seizure. He took control and was pretty calm during the whole time.
• We had paramedics that responded with in 2-5 minutes of each call. They were calm, gave us all the information we needed and even spoke to our other 2 kids to let them know that their sister was going to be ok.
• Both our moms were able to be at our house in 15 minutes and help us out with whatever we needed.
• Not all 3 kids were all sick at the same time and they were all well so we could attend my Grandpa's 80th birthday party.
• We were able to find a good new home for our dog with in 2 days on the incident.
• My wonderful friend gave me so much help and insight on what to do for my son. I have deemed her "My Personal On-Call Nurse"
• I was able to get an appointment with our doctor the same day I called and didn't have to spend extra time or money at the ER or Urgent Care.

We had many family and friends praying for us.Yes, these last 10 days have been NO fun, but as I look back I know that God was with us each step of the way. He made things a bit easier for us to walk through all the events we did. 


Psalm 23:4 "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil for you are with me; Your rod and your staff they comfort me. 

Words...

This is a very raw post for me to write. God spoke very clearly and direct to me this morning when He was correcting me, yet again.

Over the past couple of days I have spoken a word here or there, really without even thinking about it, but as soon as I said it the Lord has had something to say about it. This morning I was texting my sister and when she had to go into a prayer meeting and my first response was "prayer is overrated" in a very sarcastic way. (Just to let you know prayer is a very important part of my life and I know that without prayer I could not do the things the Lord has asked of me to do.) But before I hit the send button the Lord spoke and said "that's enough."I know that I was joking and being sarcastic but the Lord didn't see it that way. Then He reminded me of all my other comments that I have made that have not been uplifting or honoring to Him or others.

The past two weeks have been really tough with my three kids. I know it is just a stage and I think the devil probably has a hand it it, because I'm stepping out in faith and speaking what the Lord has given me to speak. Just the other day I was speaking to a friend and was telling her about my week and used the word "hell" to describe my week and the Lord spoke and said "you don't have any idea what hell is really like."

Last week the Lord woke me up at 4am to give me some words to speak for the Women's Retreat I'm speaking at, and the next morning I put my facebook status as "Really God was 4am that necessary?"(As a sarcastic comment) Later that day my brother-in-law commented "yes it was". The Lord spoke and said "you get to talk to me whenever you want, so I get to talk to you whenever I want."

Now I didn't mean anything that I said, it was all sarcasm or just how I felt in the moment, but the Lord didn't see it that way. My words are suppose to be honoring, uplifting and a blessing to my Heavenly Father and others. In all of three of those instants they were none of the above. Even when I am joking around or in a bad mood my words need to be honoring to God.

Matthew 12:34b"For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." 
I want my words to reflect what is in my heart, even during hard times. I know my Lord has blessed in so many ways and He loves me with an unconditional love; He doesn't deserve me to speak unpleasant words even sarcastically.


Matthew 12:36 "But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgement for every careless word they have spoken."
When I stand before God I want to hear that my words uplifted people and people were blessed by what I said. I don't want to hear that I made others stumble or sin because of my words. I want to hear that I honored God with all that I did and said. I DO NOT want to hinder anyone or anything because of my words.

Proverbs 16:23-24 "A wise man's heart guides his mouth, and his lips promote instruction. Pleasant words are honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones." 
Lord please help me to use pleasant words, so I may help bring healing and not hurt. Help me to guard my mouth and make sure the words that I use are uplifting and honoring to you and to the others around me. Please show me and take away anything that is not pure in my heart so I may speak from my heart and know that only goodness, kindness and blessings come from the words that I speak.

For Us...

This morning in my quiet time I read Luke 22 & 23, My Savior's death story. Even though I know this story and have heard this story over and over since I was a kid, I still get tears in my eyes when I actually take the time and really reflect exactly what happened all those years ago.

God's Son came to earth and lived a perfect, holy life. Isaiah describes Jesus' death this way "He was assigned a grave with the wicked, and with the rich in his death, though he had done NO violence, NOR was any deceit in His mouth" Is 53:9. Jesus never sinned although He was tempted in every way, but He was still put to death. And the death of His one and only son was God's plan all along. Is 53:10 "Yet it was the Lord's will to crush Him and cause Him to suffer, and though the Lord makes His life a guilt offering..." 

The moment God sent His son to earth, He knew the death that His son would have to endure for us and He still sent Him and He let Jesus take the sins of the world upon His shoulders. In the Garden of Gethsemane Jesus knew what was coming and He was in agony over what was about to happen. He even prayed to his father "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." Luke 22:42. Right there Jesus says, I don't want to do this, but I will submit to my Father and His plans. And that is exactly what He did. Jesus submitted to His Father's will so we would be saved by His blood.

I think two of the most beautiful events that happened during Christ's suffering were first when one of the disciples struck the servant of the high priest and cut off his ear and Jesus reached over and healed the servant's ear. This was a man that was about to arrest Jesus and take him to the high priest and Jesus decided to heal him (paraphrased from Luke 22:49-51). Jesus healed his enemy, He didn't have to and no one probably even expected Him to; everyone may have been even a little shocked when He did. The next most beautiful thing to me is when Jesus asked "Father forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing" Luke 23:34. Jesus just asked that His Father would forgive the sins of the people that were just about to kill him. In the face of death, Jesus loved those men and He wanted them to turn from their wicked ways so He would see them in Heaven. This is the real heart of My Savior Jesus Christ. In the midst of His hurt and His pain He is healing and praying for others.

In our eyes did they deserve God's mercy? UM NO! But God doesn't give us what we deserve. God has made a way so we may dwell in His house forever. So we may see loved ones that have gone before us. So we may meet King David, Noah, Ruth, Paul and so many others. Our God is so good and His heart for us is so pure.

On that cross Jesus bore the sins of the world. A man that had never sinned had the world's sin, all of the sins that had been committed and all the sins that will be committed, were on our Savior's shoulders.

Today as we reflect on that horrific day all those years ago let's remember the heart and soul of the Son of God that hung their and died so that you and I might live. His heart was for the lost, forsaken, sinful, broken...US!

NOT an Excuse...

Last Thursday my mom was sick and she asked me if I could fill in for her as the Director of Cubbies? (Cubbies is the preschool part of the Awana program at our church) After some coaxing on her part, I finally said yes; after all I knew that she really didn't have anyone else who could step in for her and I still find it hard to say no to my mommy. I had also been the Director 5 years ago, so I pretty much knew what I was doing. So I put on my smiling face and dug deep for some exciting energy and went for it. It was a good night, almost everything went as planned and the kids seem to have fun (that's what really counts). As the evening was coming to an end and we were packing up to leave one of the leaders came up and said you should become the Director next year (after this year, my mom is stepping down as the Director). I just smiled and said no, I have 3 little kids and it would just be too much to do this every week. Then we all left and I went home to bed :)

Well on Sunday morning I was in the middle of worship at church at the Lord spoke "Don't you ever use your kids as an excuse again as to why can't serve Me." To be honest I had totally forgotten about my response until the Lord brought it up. The Lord also reminded me of a verse that my brother and recently sent me. 

Psalm 127:3-5

Behold, children are a gift of the Lord,

The fruit of the womb is a reward.

Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,

So are the children of one's youth.

How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them;

They will not be ashamed

When they speak with their enemies in the gate.

This caught me so off guard, because I didn't even think twice about what I said. I also know that this is not the first time I have done this. So right there in the middle of worship I had to repent and ask for the Lord's forgiveness. 

Children are a gift from the Lord and they are not to be looked upon as a burden or a reason to not serve the Lord, especially when He tells you to serve. I know that I am not called to be the Cubbies Director as of right now. I feel like God is giving me a different path than that, even though there is a need, I don't feel it is my job to fill it. And now I realized that I should have said just that, instead of using my children as the excuse. 

I know as a mother of 3 small children it can become a bit challenging to find a place to serve that works well with your family, but that doesn't mean you can't. If God has laid something on your heart to do then He will make a way for you to do it and He will give you the strength that you need. Phil 4:13 – I can do all this through him who gives me strength. All you have to do is be ready and willing to be used. 

If you are feeling overwhelmed with just the thought of serving here are a few ideas that came to mind, but you need to take some time and pray to make sure you are doing what the Lord wants you to do before diving in to something: Invite a young mom or young wife over to coffee; start a blog (you will be surprised how many people will read it); babysit some else children so they can have a date night; host a small group at your house; volunteer in your child's class at school or at church. I know these things seem simple and its not like you are reaching thousands of people, but numbers isn't what matters. You serving the Lord is the only thing that matters! Even if you are only reaching one person it counts. Let me tell you that one person, could lead to another person, which could lead to another person and another and another and so on. Just start by being obedient to what the Lord has for you and He will take care of the rest!

God has a plan for you! He wants to use you; are you ready to be used? No more excuse, especially not your children!!!

Romans 12:1 - Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship.