Choosing...

Overall I would say I am a people person. I enjoying being around people, I like talking with others and being involved in group activities. But I am realizing there is a difference between a people person and a person having true close friends. I enjoy making small talk with all kinds of people; finding out what is going on in their lives and sharing what surface stuff is going on in my life. It is hard for me to admit, but the more I look at my life, the more I realized that I am a people person, not a person with real true close friends.

I was at a Young Mom’s Brunch this morning that was hosted by the Women’s Ministry at my church and the Lord spoke loud and clear to me that I have chosen to be a people person and not a person with many true close friends. The Lord told me He wants to remove my hurt and pain caused by my “failed” friendship so I can have room for new true close friendship.

Friendship has always been hard for me. I have had many “failed” friendships in my 28 years. Looking back at my past friendship I could usually “keep” a close friend for 1-3 years and then something happened; family moves, change in schools, fight over a boy, failing out over something big at the time. Through these “failed” friendships I have learned that it was safer for me to hide my heart from girls and not get to close. I remember about 3 years into my friendship with my best friend I started withdrawing from her and making up stupid reasons that we couldn’t be friends anymore, so when “something” happened I wouldn’t get hurt again. Well I can reassure you that nothing ever happened, she didn’t let me withdrawal from our friendship. We have been wonderful friends for the past 8 years and I can’t imagine my life without her! But I have to admit that she is about the only friend in my life that REALLY knows the true me and like I said before that is my fault. When I start to feel people get to close or when they start to see my mistakes, failures and the “REAL” me, I usually pull back and put up walls. I start to make excuses why I can’t do things with them or I nitpick everything they do. Which ends up with me sabotaging the friendship. I am the one keeping people at arms length, I am the one making up excuses on why we can’t be friends, and I am the one hurting them and myself. WHY??? Because it is easier to stay in my little world, it is easier not to be “real” with people, and there is a better chance I won’t get hurt. Well all of those reasons might be true, but what am I losing out on? Real true friendships, playdates, help with life is tough and a great excuse to go get coffee every once in a while.  I have let my past rob me of real meaningful friendship, because I was too worried about getting hurt again. Well today I want to change that! I am choosing not to allow the things of my past to dictate my future. I want to have many real, truthful, close friendships. I want to be honest with the “real stuff” and have deeper conversations than surface level; will everyone be my close friend? No, but I want to be open to those who want to be. I want to stop holding people at arms length because it is more convenient. Will I get hurt again? I don’t know, maybe, but then I will ask the Lord for healing and move on. I am choosing today to open my heart!

Is there something in your past that is dictating how you live your life? I know the Lord wants to heal you and set you free of that thing that is holding you back from living the life God wants you to live!