Your Will Be Done...

Today I take my eyes and I fix them on the cross. Today is a day to remember that Jesus came for me, He came for you, He came for all! He took my place, He took your place, He took all of our places. We were suppose to die, we are the sinners and we are suppose to pay the price, but all because of HIS LOVE for me, for you, for all of us, we are given the gift of eternal life. 

As I have been reading through the gospels I am so humbled by Jesus' response to dying. Over and over He says not my will, but my Father's; I am here to do the work the Father has sent me to do. Jesus knew what was ahead of Him at the cross. He knew He would die a sinner's death, but it wasn't nails that held Him, it was His Father's will and His LOVE for us. This was God's redemption plan for His people. The only way we could be called Sons and Daughters of the Most High God is if a Spotless Lamb died in our place. 

I am a person who likes to plan and be in control, but during the past two years and through a series of events I have had to bow my knee and say to my Father, "Not my will but yours be done." This has been a real stretching time for me, but it has also been a time of so much growth in my personal life and in my relationship with God. 

The latest event for me and my family is after 18 months of house shopping we are in the process of buying a house! YAY!! The last month has been filled with excitement, joy, uncertainty, fear and even a few whys (ok, well maybe a lot of whys). During these 18 months we have looked in 7 different cities and for the last 4 months we have been looking in one specific city. Well, now we are buying in a different city and about 4 months ago this was the same city I said I didn't want to live in. Some of you may be asking, "Well then why are you buying a house there?" Because it goes back to "Not my will but yours be done." With that being said, we believe whole heartily that this is the house the Lord has for us. Our new house is more that I could imagine and I know the Lord has plans for us in the neighborhood He is putting us in, but let's just say it was not my first choice or my second or even my third of places to live. 

We have talked with many people about where we are moving to and we keep hearing "that's a great neighborhood" or "that's a nice area". I smile and say "oh that's good to hear" but deep down I keep thinking what did we do? Why are we moving there? Maybe we heard God wrong? 

During one my quiet times last week the Lord spoke, "So this isn't exactly what you thought it would look like, so what are you going to do about it?" I felt like He gave me 3 options: 

1) Plant your feet and disobey 

2) Go limp and let Me drag you there while your heart goes hard and you miss the WHY 

3) Go with an expectant heart and allow Me to show you the WHY  

The closer we get to the "Big Move" the more I feel this move is His way of asking "Is it really My will that be done or is it yours?"

With that question lingering in the back of my mind I reread Jesus' responses to the cross before Him...Luke 22:42 "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will but yours be done."Jesus knew what was before Him AND He still submitted to the Father's will.

Now in NO way am I comparing our move to Jesus' death, (those two things are not even comparable) but what moves my heart is Jesus' response. His response to His Father's will is, well...INCREDIBLE and so full of LOVE for His Father and for us. With Jesus as my example I want to have His obedience! I want to submit to my Heavenly Father the way Jesus did! I want to say "Not mine but Your will be done" and mean it EVERY TIME! 

So I choose option 3. I will go with an expectant heart and allow God to show me the WHY. 

How do you handle situations that come up that don't look like you thought they would? Are you willing to let God's will control your life? Are you willing to say "Not mine, but your will be done" and MEAN it? 

Jesus did and because of His obedience I have the gift of grace and eternal life, you have the gift of grace and eternal life, we all have the gift of grace and eternal life. 

John 3:16-17 - For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. 

Uncomfortable or Comfortable...

Trusting God can be a scary thing. Surrendering to God can be even scarier, especially when we are comfortable. The bible is full of people that were probably comfortable, that were ok where they were and God said I want you to move here; I want you to go get my people out of Egypt; I want you to be king; I want you to speak on my behalf;  I want you to have my Son;  I want you to follow me...it goes on and on.

The last couple of days during my quiet time He has spoken the term "I am not a drive-thru God." At first, my response was of course you're not, but the more that I pondered what He said, the more I realized He is trying to break my habit of using Him as a "drive-thru God". I would define the term "drive-thru God" as: asking God for what I think I need; making Him God on my terms; only giving Him what I want; only doing what He asks when it's comfortable or safe; doing all the talking and not taking time to be quiet to hear him; knowing He is there, but only stopping by when its convenient for me. I am sure we have all done at least one of those things, if not all. The more I get to know my Heavenly Father the more I am pretty sure this was NOT the relationship He intended to have with us.

God spoke through Paul saying "And He died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for Him who died for them and was raised again." 2 Corinthians 5:15. Not only are we suppose to live for Him we are also suppose to be dependent on Him; to allow Him to lead our paths; to not worry; to give Him our anxiety; to be His child; to daily pick up our cross and follow Him; to spend time daily with Him; to let Him be in control; to submit to His ways and His plans for our lives. He doesn't want the leftovers of the day, He wants the first fruits. He wants us to know Him, truly know Him. Know Him as King, as a Good Good Father, as Provider, Deliverer, Counselor and Immanuel. God wants to walk through the day with us and not just be the forgotten God until you need Him.

One thing I have learned over the past couple of years, is when you purposely spend time with our Heavenly Father and when He becomes more than a "drive-thru God" He starts to work His ways into every part of your being. He starts to change the way you think and act. He shows you habits that are not pleasing to Him. He starts to ask things of you that seem impossible. He asks you to pray for people and forgive people that have deeply hurt you. He brings to mind verses like Isaiah 55:8-9 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts neither are your ways my ways, As the heavens are higher than the earth so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." It seems He is more concern that I am doing what He wants me to do or for me to be where He wants to me be instead of how comfortable I am (which He is). My life becomes less about what I want and what I want to do and becomes more about the plans the Lord has for me. It's taking my relationship with God one step further and saying I totally surrender to the plans you have for me and my family and I will follow where you lead, EVEN if it makes me uncomfortable.

In August of 2015 we felt the prompting of the Lord for us to leave our home church (We were not angry or mad with anyone at our church; this was totally from the Lord). This church is where my husband grew up and my family started attending while I was in Middle School. My husband and I met at this church, our Youth Pastor married us, all of our kids have been dedicated in this church, we have family and many friends there and have been involved in many different ministries during our time there. We didn't have a plan, we didn't have another church we were planning on attending so this was going to be a step of faith for us. After meeting with the pastors and putting some things in order we left our "home" church at the end of September. We had a few things on a checklist that we wanted our "new" church to have, but in the end we knew it was God who was going to have to make it clear that He wanted us there. I remember something my husband said when talking with a friend, "it's not really so much about we want or what we think, it's about whether or not we feel the Lord is calling us to that church." Our attitudes became Lord, we will go where you want us, but you will have to show us, confirm it and go with us. After much prayer we have found a church that we feel is where God has us, we are not totally sure why at this point, but we are trying to serve where we are needed.

During the last 2 years the Lord has done a lot of pulling us out of our comfort zones. Why? Well to be honest we still don't know. We are just trying to obey Him one step at a time. We are trying to say YES, every time He asks something of us, no matter how uncomfortable it is. We are trying to surrender our ways and thoughts to Him and allowing Him to direct our steps, even when we don't understand the WHY behind it. A lot has changed for us and a lot is still very unsettled for us. However, what I would say about the last two years that even during the struggles, during the hard times and the unknowns I would NOT trade the last two years for anything. My relationship with the Lord has never been stronger; my faith has become more than just words. He has become more than a "drive-thru God" in my life.

Are there areas in your life where you are starting to feel the Lord's prompting, but you know that if you acknowledge it or say Yes, it will not be comfortable? Are you only giving God what you want or serving Him the way you want because it's comfortable? Are you using God as a "drive-thru God"? He wants a true relationship with you; He wants to have ALL of you, but in return He wants to give Himself ALL to you. He wants to drive, lead, be in control, even when you are not comfortable. bbnb n  

Psalm 37:4-7a - "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him."

Faithfulness...

Psalms 66:5-6 Come and see what God has done, how awesome his works in man's behalf! He turned the sea into dry land, they passed through the waters on foot - come, let us rejoice in him. 

Reading these verses this morning, made me pause and reflect on all God has done in my life the past 17 months. In the beginning of 2014 the Lord gave me two very clear and direct words.

1) I was going to homeschool all 3 of my kids for the upcoming school year. I had already been homeschooling my son and working a bit with my 2nd daughter, but my oldest daughter was attending a Christian school for the past two years and she LOVED it there. I wasn't sure how I was going to break the news to her and I really didn't know how she was going to take it. I didn't tell her right away and I started praying that the Lord would prepare her heart for the news.

2) He was going to sell our house. We bought our first home with the thought of living there a couple years, build some equity and then sell it to buy our first family home. Well due to the market crashing that was not the case. 10 years and 4 kids later we were still living in the house we thought we would only be in for a couple of years.

So after receiving both these words in January of 2014, I told my husband what I felt the Lord was saying to me. He was on board with me homeschooling, but selling the house, well let's just saying he and not heard that from the Lord yet. I went to the Lord and just started praying. Lord, did I hear you right? What am I to do if my husband is not on board? My Heavenly Father gently told me "You do your part and I will do my part." Those words gave me so much hope and excitement for what He was going to do. For the next couple of months I began praying that my husband would hear from the Lord; during that time I started cleaning out closets. About 3 months later my husband came to me and says I feel the Lord saying we are to get the house ready to sell. There was part of me that wanted to say "See I told ya!" However, I didn't. I was just thankful that my husband and I were on the same page. We started working together on the items that needed to be done so we could sell. We also shared with our children what we felt the Lord had told us and every evening during our family prayer time we would pray for the sale of our house and the purchasing of our new home. I begun to get excited to watch my kids' faith grow as the Lord fulfilled His promises to my family.

I think it was the end of March or the first part of April that we told our oldest daughter that she was not going back to school next year. She cried as expected, but the more we discussed it and talked through the decision, my daughter began to be ok with it and almost got excited to stay home. In June, the Lord started preparing my heart and mind to homeschool my 3 kids. I started planning and getting really excited. Now this past school year has not gone exactly how I had planned, but it has been good and it has been such a blessing to watch my kids' relationships with each other grow.

On September 22, 2014 we put our house up for sale. It was exciting and nerve racking at the same. On December 19th we signed papers, handed over the keys and walked away from a house that had been our home for the past 10 1/2 years.

God took almost the whole year, but He did it. I started homeschooling all 3 of my kids and He sold our house in 2014. It was a crazy, stressful and exciting year. My faith grew in more ways than I can count. God continued to be faithful time and time again. When things started to look like they would fall apart, He would gently remind me "You do your part and I will do my part."

Some times life doesn't look like what we thought it would or things don't work out the way we planned or some times God's timing is not our timing, but when we step back and allow God to lead and do His work, He will be bless us far more than we could imagine or think.

Ephesians 3:20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurable more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us

Remembering where the Lord has brought you from, reflecting on His faithfulness in your life is such an encouragement and a strong way of building your faith. Especially when you are in a place that is hard, that doesn't make sense and not what you expected or planned. For me, looking back on 2014 makes it easier to hold tight to the promises that He hasn't fulfilled yet.

Psalms 117:2 For great is his love towards us, and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever. 

My Focus...

As I look at the world around me I see so much that doesn't make sense. Violence, death, tragic loss, unexplained pain and so much more. With a world that has so much brokenness, it becomes so easy to get swept into hopelessness, anger, depression.

When life becomes hard, when there are situations that I don't have answers for, when I just can't understand why; I find myself focusing on everything that's wrong, that I can't explain, that I can't fix. I let my mind wonder and I find myself struggling, confused, angry and sad. I can take a wonderful, beautiful, new day and turn in into a very dark, cloudy, don't want to do anything sort of day. Well that was my day yesterday. I got so focused on everything that was wrong; unexplained, tragic loss; not having a place to call our own (that's another story); the list of things I had to do alone (my husband is out of town on a business trip); just one thing after another kept filling up my thoughts and I made the mistake of dwelling on them. By the time I got my kids into bed last night I was down right angry, physically tired and mentally exhausted.

This morning I had to fight myself to get up before everyone else so I could do my quiet time, but I was so thankful that I did. Grabbed my coffee, bible, journal, devotional and pen. As soon as I sat down and opened up my devotional the Lord gently spoke, "You took your eyes off of Me, you let your feelings, your situations, your fears fill you yesterday." All I could do was stop reading and start praying. I had to ask for forgiveness and I thanked Him for His mercies that our new every morning. After my prayer time I read the following verse in my daily devotion.

Ps 61:2 - From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. 

Yesterday, I LET my heart grow faint, I LET my eyes be taken off My Rock, I LET this broken world overtake my joy. There is so much I don't understand, so many things I don't have answers for,  but when I don't allow the troubles of this world to over take me I HAVE faith. Faith that there is a God and He loves me. Faith that this world is not all there is. Faith that one day we will be in a place with no more pain, hurt or sickness.

When we allow the broken things of the world to become our focus, we lose sight of God's promises; we lose sight of the Hope we have in Jesus Christ. No, this world is not an easy place to live and Jesus told us we would have trouble, but He also told us to take heart because He overcame the world.

John 16:33 - "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." 

Ps 105:4 - Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always.

Allow the Lord to be your focus and your strength. Keep your eyes focused on Him, His truths and His promises.

1 Thess 5:16-18 - Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks is all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 

Unconditional Love

This morning I was ready my about God's unconditional love and felt prompted to blog about what God was saying to me.

Sometimes I feel God's unconditional love is very hard for me to comprehend, grasp, even understand. His love is nothing like human love. Human love is about the person, the actions, the word, the feelings. God's love is about who He is! HE IS LOVE! We can't control God's love, we can't stop it, push it away, mess it up, or run from it. It is always there and there is nothing we can do that will change that.

God's love doesn't rely on actions, His or ours! He loves you even if you are not healed or are going through a horrible storm in your life. Bad things happen and that is part of the sinful world we live in, it has NOTHING to do with how much God loves you! Just like grace, we don't have to earn His love, it's always there. We don't have to do anything special or serve him for so many hours or pray a certain way. It is just there and it is ALWAYS there! He created us and therefore He loves us!

A chorus of a song by 33 Miles sings about God's love and how it always will be.
I loved you then, I love you now
I will love you tomorrow
When this world breaks you down
I will give you strength to stand
Look to me, take my hand and just believe
Before this day ever began, I loved you then

1 John 4:16 - And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God and God in him. 

The first part of that verse says we are to rely on the love God has for us. The dictionary defines the word rely to depend confidently or to put trust in. We are to depend on or put trust in that God's love will always be there regardless of where you are, what crazy storm you are in or what the world around us looks like. His love is steadfast, unconditional and so very, very real!!!

He will ALWAYS love you tomorrow!!!

More Grace, Less Judgement...

Last week I had a huge To-Do List in order to get my house ready for my 4 year-old's birthday party. Of course every thing on the list probably took 2-3 times longer than it should of because I haven't deep cleaned my house in about 7 months. Each day I would put on my earphones and listen to music as I got one task done after another. Something I relearned about myself is that I REALLY like music and it motivates me to keep on task. Well while my playlist was on shuffle one song came on that I haven't heard in awhile and I stopped what I was doing and just listened to the lyrics. During that song I really felt the Lord speaking to me and I knew another post was in my near future. I was hoping to get it done before Mother's Day but as you can see by the date that didn't happen. But better late than never, right!?!

The song that stopped my in my tracks was One Heartbeat At A Time by Steven Curtis Chapman

You're up all night with a screaming baby
You run all day at the speed of life
And every day you feel a little bit less
Like the beautiful woman you are

So you fall into bed when you run out of hours
And you wonder if anything worth doing got done
Oh, maybe you just don't know
Or maybe you've forgotten

You, you are changing the world
One little heartbeat at a time
Making history with every touch and every smile
Oh, you, you may not see it now
But I believe that time will tell
How you, you are changing the world
One little heartbeat at a time

With every "I know you can do it"
Every tear that you kiss away
So many little things that seem to go unnoticed
They're just like the drops of rain over time
They become a river

And you, you are changing the world
One little heartbeat at a time
Making history with every touch and every smile
Oh, you, you may not see it now
But I believe that time will tell
How you, you are changing the world
One little heartbeat at a time

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
How you're changing the world
You're changing the world

I felt like these verses were written about my life and my take on motherhood especially these past few months. Up all night, running all day, little things seem to go unnoticed, wondering if anything worth doing got done. But then listening to the chorus it reminds me why I chose to be a mother and why I wouldn't trade this job for anything in the world.

Motherhood is a lot of work especially since God has created every little child so different. I have four children and each child is very much their own person and they all require something different from me. They also learn differently and take discipline differently as well. Just recently have I become more aware of what make my child unique and how I can help them became the man and women God has created them to be. Every day I feel like I learn something new about at least one of my children.

I know that I don't have it all together and I am NOT the perfect mom AND I have made mistakes with my kids, but I also feel that parenting doesn't fit into a box or a book because each child is created differently. What works for one child, might not work for another. Parenting is not easy, it is a lot of INTENTIONAL work.

Since each of our children are different that makes us moms different too. What works for one mom may not work for another. The Lord has really been speaking to me about judging less and giving more grace when I see other moms parenting differently than me. When I see a mom with her kids in a store, at church or at a park for the most part I am only seeing a little window into their world. I don't know the whole story so where is it my place to judge and tell them they a wrong. I know that I parent or react differently if I haven't had enough food or enough sleep or a bit of time to myself. I am human which means I have good days and bad days. Some days I feel like I have great "mom days" and then there are other days that I feel are "failing mom days". But on the days that are a struggle of me I am so thankful for God's grace and forgiveness. Also for the grace and forgiveness of my kids. Yes, I have gone to my kids and have asked for their forgiveness when I have had a bad day or have not reacted the way I should of to something.

Just yesterday I was at Target with all 4 of my kids; I was trying to look and price something out and my kids were getting restless. I had told them 3-4 times to stop touching things, well I was starting to get frustrated with them because they seem to have the urge to touch everything they saw. I knew my frustration was starting to show as I tried to stay calm and finish up my list as quick as possible. Well when we turned the corner to go down another aisle a mom stopped me (who had one younger boy with her) and said she was very impressive with me and how my kids were behaving. That just made my day. I know that I have gone in stores and gotten the "I can't believe she can't control her kids" stares but today was different I had received encouragement instead of judgment. That just changed my whole mood around. I felt blessed! The Lord again reminded me...More Grace, Less Judgement.

So to all those Moms out there who are doing their best, be encouraged that you are changing the world one heartbeat at a time. Even though life is hard right now, YOU are doing an amazing job!!!  And always remember you are the BEST MOM for your kids.

Honest...

It has been a year since my last post so here is a bit of an update on my life...

On November 11, 2012 my Heavenly Father blessed me and my husband with a beautiful, healthy baby girl. She is now 5 1/2 months and such a blessing to our family. She has the biggest smile and every time I see that smile I think to myself she is "the one we waited for". I can't imagine my life or my family with out her.

In late August my Oldest Daughter (who I was homeschooling) started 1st grade at a Christian School near our house. This school has been such a blessing and the Lord has been so faithful to provide for her tuition.

My Son is in his last year at an amazing preschool and am very excited that my middle daughter will be attending there next year. If you asked me a year ago if my life would look like this I would have said no, but everyday I see God's hand and blessing on my family and for now this is my life.

Now enough with the family update and on to the actual reason I am writing again. This past year has been filled with a lot of change for me. I went from staying home on a regular bases to getting up every morning taking my daughter to school and picking up her every afternoon, taking my son to preschool three afternoons a week, driving my daughter to her dance class one day a week, church two days a week and having a 4th child. At first when people asked me how I was I would say "Great, tired, but good." Then life continued on and I felt like I was always on the go and when I wasn't I just wanted to sleep or veg in front of the TV. My desire to grab my bible and spend time with God was not there, which in turned kept me away from writing. But those weren't the only things that started slipping in my life, the desire to do anything productive showed up only once every two weeks or so, my desire to cook and clean was totally gone. So thankful my family is ok with pancakes for dinner.  I was starting to feel worn out. I felt like I was on a merry-go-round and I couldn't get off. Every day I would measure as a successful day if everyone got where they needed to be on time, everyone was fed and in their own beds when it was bed time.

All of this is a feeling that I had never felt before. The feelings of being overwhelmed and unproductive with a HUGE list of things that need to be done hanging over my head that keeps growing each day.  I have never had baskets of clean clothes just hanging out in my living room waiting to be folded like I do now. Anything that has taken any real work to do I have tried avoiding, because I just don't seem to have the energy to deal with it.

So now after you have read me whine, complain and tell you all about my crazy life I am sure you are waiting for me to tell you how I fixed it all, how I figured it all out and now how my life is a piece of cake...
Well if you are you will be greatly disappointed. I have not found that special ingredient or magic equation that makes my life easier. On a side note, coffee is a wonderful thing, but not the answer! Then why am I writing this because God told me to. For the past month or so the Lord has told me to start writing again, even if I don't have all the answers. Because when I write it makes me be honest with myself. It makes me be honest with all you. It makes me be honest with Him. It makes me break down and ask for help. It makes me say I am not perfect and no matter how hard I try to be and how hard I try to say I am "good", the reality is that I am worn and tired.

The Lord has told me that I don't have to have it all together, my life can be messy and I can be really tired and it's OK...He just wants me to be HONEST with Him. He already knows, but there is something that happens when you actually break down and honestly tell Him how you are.

One of my favorite song right now is Worn By Tenth Avenue North. Here is one verse from that song...
I know I need to lift my eyes up, but I'm to weak.
Life just won't let up
I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Right now I cry out and say Lord I have nothing left. I am tried and worn. I need you to give me rest. I need you to be in the center of my life. I need strength that only comes from you. Most of all I NEED you! I need you to be everything I can't be right now.